I'm officially a Scrooge...

I spent my day with Miss Neighbour staring at her while she put up some Christmas decorations. It was interesting watching her while she was putting stuff up since she was so damn excited about her little Charlie Brown tree. I was jealous. Honestly, I was completely jealous because I wanted to be that excited for Santa and the holidays. I tortured her though, got back at her by leaving her bathroom a little on the rank side. Yup, that was my revenge for her being so damn happy. I'm sure the holidays are starting to take their toll on me. I'm seeing everyone get so excited about Christmas and New Year's and all I'm thinking about is starting new traditions that I would really rather avoid. It's the first time in five years that the kids won't wake up to have breakfast and presents with their Nanny, Mommy and Daddy. I don't know what is going to happen there. I would love to stay at Nanny's house, just sleep in the spare room and get up with my babies so they can have one last normal Christmas. One big reason for holding out hope that I would be able to give them one last normal Christmas is because they won't have their Grampie this year. The first year without my Dad and I would rather ease them into so much change. Let the loss of Grampie sink in before having to deal with Mommy and Daddy not being together anymore. There is too much loss of family here, it's too much to have to confront on what should be a happy and loving time.

You know, I want to hate him but I can't bring myself to do it. I want scream at him but I can't find the words. I want to love him but I can't stand that he refuses to love me. I want to touch him but I can't stand that he won't touch me back. There are days when I want nothing more than to have him here and to have him home but then days where I'm so glad he's gone. I'm sure anyone who has went through a break-up is understanding how I'm feeling right now. Outside looking cool and indifferent, inside crumbling like a cookie.

There are new people in my life, I'm dating and I'm having fun but my mind always goes back to my family. I miss being a family, more than anything right now. Maybe it's I'm just clinging to an ideal here and I'm desperately grasping onto wishful thinking but I know that I miss my little safety net. It must be the holidays and all this talk of "togetherness" and "hope" and "family" that is really pounding my brain. I'm searching to remember only bad times, hard times and lonely times so that I can remember exactly why it was that I left and, for the most part, that works but then there are days like this where something as simple as watching someone put up decorations makes me wonder if I made a mistake. Only time will tell I guess.

I fully expect good days and bad days. Today was a bad day so I'm pushing for a good one tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me people, cross your fingers that I'm not tearing up over something that never really was...