I'm officially a Scrooge...

I spent my day with Miss Neighbour staring at her while she put up some Christmas decorations. It was interesting watching her while she was putting stuff up since she was so damn excited about her little Charlie Brown tree. I was jealous. Honestly, I was completely jealous because I wanted to be that excited for Santa and the holidays. I tortured her though, got back at her by leaving her bathroom a little on the rank side. Yup, that was my revenge for her being so damn happy. I'm sure the holidays are starting to take their toll on me. I'm seeing everyone get so excited about Christmas and New Year's and all I'm thinking about is starting new traditions that I would really rather avoid. It's the first time in five years that the kids won't wake up to have breakfast and presents with their Nanny, Mommy and Daddy. I don't know what is going to happen there. I would love to stay at Nanny's house, just sleep in the spare room and get up with my babies so they can have one last normal Christmas. One big reason for holding out hope that I would be able to give them one last normal Christmas is because they won't have their Grampie this year. The first year without my Dad and I would rather ease them into so much change. Let the loss of Grampie sink in before having to deal with Mommy and Daddy not being together anymore. There is too much loss of family here, it's too much to have to confront on what should be a happy and loving time.

You know, I want to hate him but I can't bring myself to do it. I want scream at him but I can't find the words. I want to love him but I can't stand that he refuses to love me. I want to touch him but I can't stand that he won't touch me back. There are days when I want nothing more than to have him here and to have him home but then days where I'm so glad he's gone. I'm sure anyone who has went through a break-up is understanding how I'm feeling right now. Outside looking cool and indifferent, inside crumbling like a cookie.

There are new people in my life, I'm dating and I'm having fun but my mind always goes back to my family. I miss being a family, more than anything right now. Maybe it's I'm just clinging to an ideal here and I'm desperately grasping onto wishful thinking but I know that I miss my little safety net. It must be the holidays and all this talk of "togetherness" and "hope" and "family" that is really pounding my brain. I'm searching to remember only bad times, hard times and lonely times so that I can remember exactly why it was that I left and, for the most part, that works but then there are days like this where something as simple as watching someone put up decorations makes me wonder if I made a mistake. Only time will tell I guess.

I fully expect good days and bad days. Today was a bad day so I'm pushing for a good one tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me people, cross your fingers that I'm not tearing up over something that never really was...

Anyone have a bug net?

Butterflies?? What the hell is up with the butterflies?? Not the fly around in your backyard kind but the kind that flies around in your belly. I don't like them. I don't like the way they feel, it's weird and I can never interpret exactly what they mean.

Honestly though, you see someone every day, every single blessed day and yet, for some reason, the idea of them coming over for a visit ties your stomach up in knots. No, not with dread or fear but with excitement and anticipation. I don't like it. I should like it because it's not a bad thing but I don't want to because it might turn into a sad thing. Did that make any sense? No? I didn't think so. Maybe it did on some menstral-induced hormone insanity. (Sorry, I know you guys didn't need to know that.)

I'm sitting here and waiting and thinking about making a cup of tea to quell the nerves. They shouldn't be there, those horrible nerves fluttering around in my gut, giving me gas. I don't like them. I've been fighting with them but they're not seeming to go away. I'm hoping that a slight amount of caffeine hinted with a touch of sugar and milk might help. Blech. Any ideas on how to make these damn butterflies go away?? I feel like I'm fifteen for Christ's sakes!

I know, some of you are reading this and saying to yourselves, "dumbass, just talk about it." Well, the answer is no. Plain and simple - no. The only one word sentence in the English language - no. The reason? I'm not ready. Nowhere near ready. I don't want to jump feet first, I don't want put someone on the spot...mainly me. I'm not afraid of rejection, I've had enough to know that you get over it but I'm afraid of labels and definitions. You see, I'm having fun right now and I don't like the idea of sticking a label to or defining what exactly this is that I'm doing/experiencing. I'm having a good time with a good person who puts me at ease and a smile on my face. We have a very entertaining time together, at least it is for me (I try not to speak for other people cause I might be the most boring person on Earth), so I think I should just leave it at that.

You know, if anything comes out of this undefined, unclassified, brandless "thing" than that will be fantastic. What exactly do I want to come out of it?? I don't know, I like it fine just the way it is, thank you and now you can stop asking.

Dating? Don't want to but I guess I have to....crap!

Okay, time for a totally awkward moment here. Apparently I'm going to be dating again whether I like it or not and honestly, I don't like it...not one bit. We're not going to go there right now though because I won't stop venting/stressing/typing/freaking. Now with that said, my well intentioned friends are either trying to set me up or coach me on how to pick someone up. Alright, "pick up" is the wrong choice of words there, I should be saying "ask someone out". I don't think I can do it to be honest, I'm still pretty fragile right now and I don't think I could handle someone saying, "with you? No way." I'm sure they'd be nicer but that's how it would sound in my brain. Psychological issues? Not really, just a broken heart.

So, one good friend is telling me that I am not allowed to date anyone without him meeting them first. This is all after a horrible, horrible date that left me reeling a little bit. You see, Arnold can come across as being a little overprotective of me and I love him to death for that but I think it might be difficult to explain to people that I'm not allowed to say yes or no until they meet my friend and he gives his approval. Almost sounds pimp-like. It's the farthest thing from that honestly, merely a good man looking out for his somewhat vulnerable friend. Sweetie. I wanna hug him every time I see him and for no other reason than he gives a damn.

Another friend is telling me just to jump in feet first and start asking whoever I happen to have a crush on for a date. Be aggressive in the 21st century. "Christ woman! Look at what you used to do! (insert reference to Lady A). Get some balls and just ask the guy!" I can't do that, I'm a freakshow, I know. Maybe she's right though, maybe I should just be aggressive. No, I changed my mind, I don't wanna be. I want to be the one who is pursued this time. Not in a creepy way either.

I think Maggpie is offering some of the best advice. It came in the form of text messages all day at work today and they read exactly like this:

• 
  
  Don't avoid accidental eye contact, make lots of accidental eye contact because even if you can't say anything, eye contact is great. Usually flusters them.


• 
  
  Flirt a little and if he doesn't ask you in a couple of days, you ask him. But seriously, lots of flirty eye contact. I may not be able to keep a man in my life but I sure as hell know how to catch em.


• 
  
  Its all in the eyes, seriously!! Try to catch his eye a couple of times a day and don't look away too quick...not more than two times or you will look nuts!! And smile when he catches you looking, just a little, lol. Keep smiling when you look away, downwards is always best because it says, "ooops I got caught and now I'm shy about it."


• 
  
  Bat your lashes.

Okay, I don't really get it because I think it's me subconsciously doing all of those things that got me into this trouble in the first place. Am I really ready for all of this nonsense?? I don't think I am. Does anyone else have advice besides batting my lashes or jumping someone?

That's it, I give up. I'm not dating, it's too complicated before I even started.

"The Contract" -- Definitely Not for Under 18

Two very close friends of mine are also two very insane friends of mine. They both decided that they're going to sneak around behind everyone's back to be together for mutual use of the their no-no places, keep most of us in the dark (even though WE ALL KNOW about it) and tell only a couple of people when they want to tell a story that happened when they were alone together. This would be one of those stories....

***Keep in mind people, even though the story is somewhat real, the CONTRACT is an absolute JOKE.***

Picture it: Sydney, 2008. A small bedroom in a shady area of town. Miss X and Mr. Y are laying in bed together after another "secret" tryst; commenting on what just happened and both quite proud of their performances. Miss X explains that she likes pleasing Mr. Y orally and Mr. Y proceeds to tell her that she is very talented in that department. After a few "BJ" jokes, Mr. Y starts to giggle and tells Miss X that no matter who she dates, she is only allowed to use her talented mouth with him. Miss X in her pride, foolishness and light-headed afterglow agrees and suggests a contract to hold her to such a promise. Miss X and Mr. Y are quite proud of their new little joke and so, this blogger friend (being as foolish as the rest of them) has decided to assist them with their contract. Please find it below:

The affirming party, Miss X, hereby submits exclusive rights to the use, benefit and operation of her mouth to one Mr. Y for oral pleasure at his convenience but subject to her physical availability due to employment and family priorities. Mr. Y will be entrusted to properly care for and maintain Miss X's mouth, as listed in this contract during times of oral copulation.

Such contract is subject to further terms and conditions set forth by both parties and agreed to in writing. These amendments shall be attached in triplicate to the original signed contract. Concerns of misuse or neglect will be brought forth to a third-party conciliator to reach a resolution when no agreement can be made between Miss X and Mr. Y, with all meeting notes to be attached to original contract, in triplicate with a conciliation stamp. All conciliatory meetings are to be held in a place where Miss X (being the main aggressor for services thus far) can be comfortable enough to commence any use that she deems to have been being kept from her. At no point should the conciliator remain if any hanky-panky ensues with the exception of explicit invitation.

Congratulations Mr. Y in acquiring such a fundamental and beneficial part of the female anatomy for his exclusive benefit.

Congratulations are also in order for Miss X for being so talented and willing to use her talent for the betterment of her partner.

So, that's it. They're still laughing about it and now when they read this post, they'll have more to laugh at. Anyway, I'm off since two posts in one night is pretty draining and my dog has to go out one last time before bed anyway.

Goodnight crazies!!

Introduction to "Lady A"

Alright. I just finished a cup of tea, took a leak, farted and crawled in bed. Oh, and I farted again once I pulled the blankets up. Settling in for another night, another couple of hours trying to figure out which movie I'm going to fall asleep watching and what time I'm setting my alarm for versus what time I expect I'll actually crawl my ass out of bed. Early day tomorrow for work since I've got to take the kids to the sitter's place and I'm not imagining that getting two babies out the door at 6:30am is going to be an easy task. Ahh well, do what I have to in order to make things work.

====

I'm listening to Bif Naked and forgot just how much I love this girl. I remember looking at her when I was younger and wishing I could look like her and could have the confidence that she exudes. Tattooed and unapologetic. I think I'm slowly getting there, at least the tattooed part. I'm starting to be more of a hardass but honestly, it's just a front to the crumbling, sensitive, emotional wreck I really am. Well, maybe not that bad...today anyway.

====

I should be going to bed since it's going to be a bit of a crazy day tomorrow but I can't stand the thought of laying down just yet. The idea that I didn't get the bathroom completely scrubbed this weekend is really bothering and I know I'm projecting other things that are bothering me and making the bathroom my point of contention, my scapegoat. DAMN YOU TOILET!! Sometimes I wish I finished that psyche degree so I could analyze myself or maybe not. I'd probably have myself committed by now. Of course, my alter ego (Lady A) could eventually take over. I wouldn't mind Lady A taking over, she's a bitch but a nice bitch and can handle just about anything with a level of confidence, temperance and a riding crop.

====

Riding crop? That's what I said. I think it's about time you people met Lady A. She's quiet, even-keeled and not tempermental in the least. Firm and fair. She's got a horribly sarcastic and wicked sense of humour. She teases to the point of breaking, never strays from a promise and has one hell of a right hand slap. She's quick-witted, open-minded and believes everyone deserves an equal chance. However, she also believes everyone can be subject to a spanking, a flogging or cuffing for mishandling her. She has integrity, honesty and balance; mean with rope, better with leather. A true Domme who will curl up like a harmless pussycat if you know her one, little secret....

====

Maybe I will let Lady A out more often...hehehe...you all KNOW I'm crazy now....

God Bless the Main Event...okay, maybe not but it was a good night...

Apple Bottom Jeans - $20 (they were on sale, lol);
6 Pack of Corona - $12;
Cab to the pub - $8;
Hanging out with the best friends anyone could ask for - Priceless.

====

We danced, we laughed and we had one hell of a good time. No drama, no big adventures. There was nothing but a couple of beer and good band that made us dance like no one was watching. It's such a treat to be in the company of people you know love you no matter what and have stood by you through all the bullshit that keeps popping up in your life, regardless of what it is. Maggpie and Miama weren't down from Hali but I know they would've been dancing right with us if they were. It's amazing how through hard times, tragedy and loss we all come together, we all work together to make sure each one of us is going to be alright.

====

Let's see, what did my night consist of? Here's the list:

• Having a Corona/Rev/Mojo/Bacardi fuelled hen session with girls.
• Hitting some loser in the back of the head (long story about that one that we're not getting into, right Miss. Neighbour?)
• Meeting a married tattoo artist who wants to not only finish my arm but apparently sleep with me too....uhm, no way, sorry man I'm not that kind of girl.
• Running away to a pool hall with Jenny from the Block and meet people who knew me as "the girl who their friend went out as for Hallowe'en".
• Going back to the pub to dance more, have one more beer and corner another neighbour by a speaker system while trying to escape the crazy humping dancing dude.
• Going for a slice and spilling way too much information to my neighbours about things they probably just didn't want or need to know.

====

The night was interesting to say the least and I'm really glad I went out. I wasn't going to go since I was cranky, upset and overly emotional yesterday but now that I look back, I needed that escape. Oh man, what a night. All I can do is shake my head and smile. I don't want a lot of those nights but once in a while is good. We all need time to be stupid and last night I took the time to just be stupid and enjoy myself.

Emotional Combustion...

Pardon me while I burst. Yup. Incubus. Great band who are oddly in touch with what I feel like doing at this particular time. I need to get out of this house or I'm literally going to explode. I need to go and surround myself with people who feel normal and are normal instead of sitting in this tiny apartment stewing my juices being tempermental, emotional and insane. There is a lot of bullshit, a lot of things I wish I had done or said or ignored that are coupled with all the things that I did not do or say or ignore. There are regrets, wishes and a lot of pent up, passive-aggressive fuck-ups that seems to come creeping in at the most inopportune time reminding me of things I wanted and lost.

===

Who knew that a drive to Sydney would have such an effect? Do I miss having a family so much that I can become broken-hearted simply by passing through the town where we had spent so much time together? I guess the answer would be yes. I guess I'm just not ready to let go of hope yet. I suppose that I just can't let the idea of having my family all together again slip out of my grasp just yet, not now. Is that a bad thing? Is it horrible to hang onto hope like that?? I wish I could just loosen the grip and let it fade away. Suck it up, pull it in, grab the freedom and move on. Date again?? No fucking way. I'm done for now. I'm still pretty broken, burned and bitter and there is no way on this green earth I'm ready for it. It's going to take one hell of a man to make me turn my head.

===

Those of you who know my story probably think I'm completely insane right now and you know, you're probably right.

TATTOOS!!!

I'm ready to throw up my hands and just give up!! That's it people, I'm done. There has never been a crazier, more complicated, insane time in my life right now. I wiped my ass this morning and was able to wipe my nose at the same time. (That was a really bad analogy of my head being in my ass.) Laugh, it was funny. Seriously.

So, as of yesterday, I had two broken computers. The desktop is refusing to acknowledge that it has a monitor. Bugger. I can fix it but I'm just too damn lazy. Yesterday the laptop (excuse me, "portable") decided it didn't like me either and was failing start-up. This little hiatus turned into four hours of Dell tech support, starting with hardware diagnostics (confidence test -- apparently my "portable" has inherited some of my psychological issues), ending in a reinstall and the tech (while remotely logged into my PC) turning on my webcam to find me asleep on the phone while he installed my drivers. Nice. I'm convinced now that it's the Big Man Upstairs telling me to read a damn book for a change.

I really want to finish my tattoo. It's coming up to that time where I need some pain. Physical pain that is, the kind made by sitting in a chair letting some crazy guy dig an ink-filled needle into my arm. It's a relief, a release, an adrenaline cleansing. I'm going to get my sleeve finished and then I'm going to start the other arm and do another sleeve and then maybe start my back and get a back piece but I'm not sure. I want the sleeves, yes, 100%. They're something that I've always wanted. Now that I have almost have of one done, I'm going nuts for it to be finished so I can start more work. How insane is that? I LOVE TATTOOS!! I also need more piercings. Replace the ones that I took out. Maybe I just have a thing for needles?? It could very well be. Uh oh, what if I have a needle fetish? No, I don't have that because it's not a sexual thing for me to get a tattoo/piercing but rather an emotional one, a purge of sorts. It's really very hard to explain but I can honestly say that watching the armband and sun get covered up is very cleansing, like a whole chapter of my life is closing and I'm moving on to something more beautiful....both art wise and life wise.

I have send a HUGE shout out here to Christian MacEachern at East Coast Studios. That boy is one hell of an artist. Thank you bunches man, seeya soon!!

Even when we hate each other, we'll always be a family.

Stuck? What a funny little word. Forks get twisted in the drawer and get STUCK together; tape twists around when you`re wrapping presents and get STUCK together; you stick your tongue to the metal post in the winter and they get STUCK together; people meet, fall in love, have kids, break up and still, they're STUCK together. Why do we say "stuck"? Why do we use a term that sounds so negative? If people can be amicable and friendly, even if they're faking it, it's not really stuck is it. Babies aren't sticky, they don't make one person stay or leave...ok, babies are sticky at times but that's a physical sticky like when Little Man Meatball paints his sisters with his Mum-Mum cookies. Those things are like baby cement. ...Oh man, losing train of thought here. Why does the phone only ring when I'm writing??

I guess what this short little rant I've got going on here is trying to say is this:

====

"Let's not get stuck. Let's pretend we love each other even if we don't, let's pretend to be friends even if we aren't. It's a limited amount of time that they see us together now so let's pretend nothing changed, just for a few minutes. Let them see that we are adults who can work through anything, that can be friends no matter what situations arise, that can put the drama aside and smile at our babies.

It's really not that hard to do, not a hard task at hand. We can agree to fight and bicker and argue elsewhere but not in front of our children. They are the ones who are hurting more than you or I, they are the ones who have mini-broken hearts at the loss of what they thought were two loving parents. They still have two very devoted, caring parents even if they aren't loving one another anymore. Whose to say that a six-year-old's wish of you coming home will never come true but for now, just for now...let's put them first before anyone or anything else. They have never needed us more than when we became divided like we have. They need our undivided attention so they don't feel at fault, ashamed or take the blame for all those silly things that we could just never work out.

So, let us be friends even if we aren't, let's love one another even if we don't; just for a few minutes, for them. We will always be a family when it comes to them so, let's not be divided in front of them but stand together as we once did so they can see just how important they are to us. Hate me when you leave, love me when you're here. We`ll only have stronger, better children for it."

====

Did any of that make sense...probably not. This was supposed to be a short, small filler post to keep the blog going until writing stopped being a chore but I guess it became a little more than that didn`t it. Ahhh well...what can I do (insert question mark here, my keyboard has once again decided to go wonky). I promised when I first starting writing this that it would be a completely unedited, left-brain exercise in writing and I would publish what was written so, here you go guys...an unedited look into my break-up.

Oh you gossip hungry assholes are eating this post up!!

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT BABY!!

It's been a crazy long hard road from the Cresent to the Duke. There are a lot of things that are good here and a lot that I would love to forget. That's alright though since it is part of growing as a person, part of becoming who we are as individuals. So, let's recap the last five weeks shall we:

1. I finally became the thing I hate the most - the Psycho Ex-Girlfriend. Yup, I did it, I crossed that line and became an asshat extraordinaire once again. Phew. Lessons learned I tell ya, lessons learned. You really figure out who you can trust and who you can't during a tumultuous break-up and you become really surprised about the people you can't. It's amazing how many people say they're behind you and supporting you only to find out they're two-faced and trouble makers themselves. Ahhh well, it's all part of their process of growth too. It's just too bad that the ones who promised support called me an embarrassment and walked away from me. Huh? Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing as you guys....forget them and move on.

2. I became an insane Momma-Bear. Holy shit! I knew I was a protective mother but this is ridiculous. I have been like a cloud of custodial protection hovering over my kids these last few weeks. No one, and I seriously mean, NO ONE is ever going to expose my babies to things that they just shouldn't be seeing. Things that they are certainly not ready for. Expect a crazy, screaming banshee of a freakshow mom to put a stop to anything she thinks her babies can't handle. I have officially lost my mind in the Mommy department. I guess if I wasn`t an over-protective, over-bearing mom there would be something wrong. Right...hmmm....

I had a number three but I was just interupted by a long phone call and now the whole point of my little rant and rave session here has totally been lost. The mood to be the strong, independent, growling, empowered-by-estrogen woman is lost and I`m suddenly content to just sit here and watch a movie. Yeah, mood swings. Stress induced, hormone filled mini-rages that always come to a very anti-climatic end; usually me throwing my hands up and exclaiming that I`m not a feminist but rather a very sober hippy at heart with no desire for drama or performance.

Oh man, I`m all over the place this week. The old break-up is catching up to me I think along with the lack of sleep, new job, new hours, blah blah blah. Nope, I`m not trying to act like a victim here, I know that might be what some of you are thinking and that is far from the truth. I create my own reality, my own decisions have led to their own consequences. The fallout and reactions to my decisions are no one`s fault or responsibility but my own.

Anyway, I`m off to watch my movie and be a big hippy...hehe....