Things I Need to Stop, Please (picture me sticking my tongue out)

I'm starting this after a misunderstanding of a comment from a lovely cousin on a post I put on Facebook last night.  What started as a joke turned into a half a joke leaving me confused.  My cousin was able to squeak out a "stop please" before she ran to go for coffee with her friend and was unable to finish the joke she was making.  It left me sitting here wondering what it exactly it is I need to stop.  This woman is amazing and, even though we've barely had a conversation over the last few years, she's been quite supportive and offered a lot of support for my new journey with MS so I know there was nothing negative but, it still made me think.

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling making a mental list of things I needed to stop or possibly needed to stop.  Stop writing?  Oh hell no.  I don't care how awful of an author I am, writing this blog is the best therapy outside of getting a tattoo and we all, well most of us, know how therapeutic that needle can be. 

Do I stop getting tattooed?  Stop laughing, I was serious!  It'll never happen though, I don't feel finished yet and getting inked is a personal journey.  I'm sure I'll let you know when my canvas is complete.  Same goes for the ears, they're at a 0 gauge and definitely going to be bigger.  Swallow that thought now, I'm not arguing about it or justifying it.

Do I stop second guessing my abilities?  Yes.  I think that's one thing I can stop and learn to trust that I am an intelligent and capable woman.  Fear of failure stemming from doubting if I was good enough has already cost me a couple of dreams so dammit, I need to work on putting that one to bed as do a lot of us other smart, capable women.  A road to success is paved with failure.  Yes, it is now cliche o'clock.

Do I stop hoping to find love?  The answer six months ago was a resounding yes.  There was no way in hell I would even consider being in a relationship.  I didn't want it, wasn't looking for it and had no desire whatsoever to let someone in.  I was quite happy alone and was quite happy with staying that way.  There was no way I would let anyone set me up, introduce me to people, just no.  I very much enjoyed the freedom of being single, being on my own and doing my own thing without having to include anyone else outside of my little family.  Funny how things change when someone walks in your life and throws you for loop.  Seems all of my desire to never be in another relationship melted away and now I look forward to it.  I'm actually a little mad this person has made me a smiling, ridiculously happy hypocrite.

Do I stop the negative body image?  Another resounding yes!  So  what if I'm fluffy, I've actually grown to love the few extra pounds that I have.  The older I get, the less afraid of mirrors I have become.  Yes it can be difficult finding clothes since I'm too big for normal stores and too small for plus size but hey, I'm not exactly a person with a conventional sense of style anyway.  I've learned that no one is perfect and I've learned that it is the imperfections in people that I find beautiful because they're what makes that person different.  I needed to learn to love the imperfections in myself and I think I'm on that road.  So hey, calling me fat is not an insult, I know what size my pants are and if you don't like my fat ass, that's your problem and not mine.  I'm gonna flip my giant curls and keep strutting along.

Do I stop singing to myself?  Only when I'm alone in public.  I'm a rock star, my singing to myself is not going to stop so please, stop shooting the dirty looks up at my kitchen window when I'm putting on a concert for my cats.

Do I stop worrying?  I'm a mother of three kids, I will never stop worrying.  It's the things I worry about that needed to change.  Worry priorities!  Worrying what the people at my job think about my performance when I know that I'm doing my job to the best of my abilities is not important but worrying about my kids getting home safe from school is perfectly fine.  See the difference?  I have learned to, albeit not always successfully, prioritized the worries.  I'm working on it.

Do I stop shaking?  I have MS!  Okay, that's not funny but hey, I need a sense of humour with this diagnosis.  I won't stop shaking but I'm not going to stop working on taking care of myself and getting as healthy as I possibly can, learn to live with the symptoms I have, prepare for the ones that might be ahead of me and fight like hell to keep the Lesion Family in my brain from adding to their brood.  MS picked a worthy opponent, I'm one tough sonofabitch.   

I had a big list in my head last night while I was laying in bed but this is what I've managed to get out for tonight.  I expect that this entry may be edited to add more "stops" and explanations as to why I should or shouldn't actually stop them.  It was a nice purge tonight and must say I feel pretty good now.  Good enough for a cup of tea, pajamas and a snuggle up with The Big Lebowski.

OH!!  I will never stop with tea,  zebra print flannel or classic movies either ... 

It's That Time of Year ... 100 Pre-Sharpened Pencil Time!

I sit down a little while ago to do the inevitable and combine three school supply lists into one easy list for shopping.  As I have the three lists in front of me, I realize just how specific these lists are but horribly so.  It's not a pack of crayons, it's Crayola crayons only and very specific scribblers, pencils, etc.  Before I have a teacher jump down my throat here, I understand that it's better to have the classroom uniform and all the kids have the same things but my question is this:  does it really have to be Crayola, Hilroy, HB, Fiskars, Mead and everything else brand name?  Why can't it be no-name or dollar store brands?  I understand there are some things that can't be found as a no-name product but come on, there's no reason to not break it down to minimal name brand supplies.

Let's look at it this way:  I don't live in the best of neighbourhoods.  Where I am situated, although close to an elementary school, is a combination of low-income families, single working mothers/fathers, fixed income families and other assorted families peppered between senior citizens.  It's a quiet neighbourhood but still a little sketchy as one would expect from a low-income area.  So, if the majority of the children going to this elementary school are families like mine and budgeted to the penny, than how is it possible to expect all of these families to come up with the supplies?  Okay, I'll concede that a lot of them have one child which makes buying supplies easier but, for the most part, it's two or more children in the school and that can make for a small financial crisis.  I didn't start this to complain though as this is a time of year I normally enjoy and not just because the kids are back in school but because we have a lot of fun getting ready for it.

Back to school shopping is normally a game.  The kids and I pick a day to go to the stores with our list and turn shopping into a scavenger hunt where each will be given a supply to find and put in the cart.  Sounds kind of boring but think of chasing three little people with a shopping cart while they get excited over the pretty folders and the funky scissors, can't help but have a good laugh at the red-faced little people fighting their way through an aisle full of crayons.  Oh and the look on their faces when they can't reach is priceless and turns them into tiny engineers if I don't get down the aisle in time to get it for them.  Then it's home, a little pizza party to celebrate our conquest followed by sorting it all out.  Everyone in their own spot with their list yelling out what they need while I toss it in their pile.  Once that's finished, it's the labelling and packing and bed.  Doing this last year was actually quite simple and I was blessed with the list requiring a lot of dollar store items but this year, well see for yourself:

• Edit:  List of supplies has been removed as it was brought to my attention that the post was coming across as a shady way of asking for help and that is not the case.  My apologies to anyone who misunderstood the point of this entry and I do thank you for the offers of assistance.  Please, all I ask is that you keep on reading ...

I still have some supplies from the last school year but not nearly enough to get them through.  When I add school bags, lunch bags, gym sneakers, new clothes to the list it makes my head spin.  I want to enjoy this back to school season as much as the other ones, not fret over if we're going to get it all together in time.  I've already mentally written the note to the teachers to say, "sorry but you'll just have to wait for the rest".   No harm in that I guess and I'm sure I'm not the only parent who isn't able to afford everything all at once.  I know I could've done it all in bits and pieces over the summer but all of the extra money went to my doctor's office to pay for the reports requested by my employer, Shepell and ManuLife.  That itself is a totally new post.

So, dear readers, cross your fingers that at the end of this month I'm delegating the sharpening of 100 pencils to a group of tired babies of mine in preparation for the impending trek to the classroom.  I can't think of anything I'd rather do than a school supply pizza party with my little munchkins.

Who can resist chasing these three tiny crazy people around Wal-Mart?

Nightmares? No, I've had enough but thanks ...

Have you ever had one of those dreams that were so real that they stuck with you for hours, sometimes days after having them?  Or that they were so real that you woke up from your sleep mid-dream in either sweats, tears or panic, maybe even ecstasy?  That happened to me last night. I remember bolting upright in my bed with a tightness in my chest and an unnerving sense of urgency and panic thinking I was still in my dream.  I slowly realized I was in bed and in the dark except for the reptile lights, sweating under my comforter and trying to catch my breath.  The dream I had was so real that I really did want to pinch myself.

The evening started quite normally, I snuggled up with my copious amount of pillows, ensuring they were all placed perfectly where they'd be the most comfortable for me.  Three under my head, body pillow wrapped around between my knees one tucked behind my back and on and on.  I don't know why I do it, I wake up with most of them on the floor but it's a cozy way to fall asleep happy and relaxed.  The cats did their usual bounce off me and into the window but they settled down while I finished watching a silly show on the laptop before turning over and passing out.  Then I remember this:

Laying in a hospital bed surrounded by a doctor, a couple of nurses, my shooting instructor and a lawyer.  The lawyer I have never come across in waking memory which doesn't make any sense because I do have a lawyer that does my papers.  I remember them saying something that I understood as "feeding tube" and felt the actual pinch in my side.  I looked at the lawyer, the worried face of my charming companion and signed what I understood as a power of attorney, a living will.

That's when I woke.  Deep breaths, confusion and panic in the dark but I came around, sent texts to people that I'm close to asking if they ever had dreams that felt so real.  I ran to the washroom and did the cold water on the face trick that I think only works in the movies followed by some deep breaths.  I fell into some meditation breathing and snapped myself out of it, went back to bed and, after a long time and diary entry, fell back to sleep.

I don't think that this would be so much of a nightmare if it wasn't something that could possibly happen.  With the diagnosis of MS, I've had to rethink and redo a lot of things in my life from diet and exercise, work and yes, even my final wishes and plans, insurance and all that other lovely stuff.  Was this my brain telling me to get a move on with some of these things or just some fears manifesting in the subconscious state?  Was it a way for my brain to tell me that I've been a little too aloof with this diagnosis and to start taking it a little more seriously?  Either way it ruined my lovely sleep and I can think of much better things to do with my range companion than sign paperwork in a hospital bed.

Whatever the reason for it, it freaked me out, still is a little bit and for some reason, I felt the need to share.  To be honest, I'd take a zombie nightmare over that any time.  Zombies I'm ready for but lawyers scare the shit of me (teehee).