Suck it in and shimmy....

I should be getting ready for work, getting Miss Lily ready for school but I just can't bring myself to crawl out of my room. I'm exhausted from having to get up and look at all the boxes that are still unpacked, the rooms that need to be scrubbed, the laundry that needs to be done, the toilet that is just begging for me to stick my hands in and scrub. That throne and I have a love/hate relationship; we can't live without one another but it enjoys getting messy and I hate cleaning the thing. I'm sure one of these days we're going to fall madly in love but that will be the day that this particular porclein god becomes self-cleaning.

Does anyone hate housework as much as I do? I can't stand doing it and at the same time I can't stand a messy house. Right now my apartment is in shambles (mainly because I HATE the place) and it's making me insane. I can't fit all of my stuff into this tiny, craptastic place and therefore, it's in a constant state of nothing fits. I have to give the warnings at the door, makes me feel like an airline stewardess:

"Alright people, upon entering you will find an enormous plethora of boxes and shoes facing you and please excuse the litter box. Once past the porch area, you'll have to suck it in to get into the living room. After arriving in the living room you will have to play a friendly game of Musical Chairs for a seat because there is no room for anything more than a loveseat.

This apartment is self-serve so, if you find you need a drink or snack, take the following precautions when entering the kitchen: 1) to manouver around the table and stove you will have to suck it in, stand on your tippy toes, turn sideways and shimmy through; 2) the stove gets really hot so try not to touch it with belly or bum on your way; 3) you will have to move chairs and a small telephone table to get to the fridge; 4) you will have to get on top of the washer in order to get to the food cupboard. If at any time you have an issue or get stuck entering the kitchen, please yell and I'm sure the nosy neighbours will call someone, make a report of me beating you and help will eventually arrive. Be sure to let the authorities know that I did not force you into the tight situation as I am not going to jail for unlawful confinement - my apartment should.

The bathroom is a whole other story. It's tiny and strange. Just do what you have to in there but be careful of the pinching toilet seat and the lack of shower head.

Bedrooms are off limits but for the simple reason that the kids room is covered by a sea of toys and blankets that, although cleaned every day, is infinite and acts the same as quicksand. Once you go in, you never come out. I'm still looking for my date from last week. My bedroom is just so full of things that you can't move so don't even bother.

Pets: there are two cats and a very large puppy. One little orange cat will vy for your attention and love by constantly rubbing on you. She is harmless. The little black cat, seen only under tables and staring at you from window sills is a Ninja and you must take precautions. The exact precautions I'm not sure of as I am still trying to figure them out but remember to not make direct eye contact and don't make friends with the dog. The dog...oh the dog...she's a big, stupid puppy. When I say big, I'm talking about 80lbs and 10 months old. She gets excited and likes to pee when she meets new people. She's harmless, don't be afraid of her.

There, I think I just wrote a manual for visiting me.