The old cliche about hindsight is horribly true....

Here is my hindsight:

I left home. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life and now I want to go back. However, so many things have changed in these last few weeks that I'm not sure if I'll ever reclaim what it was that I left. I packed up and ran away to what I thought might be a better place, what just may be what both of us needed to really find what we wanted from one another. I thought I had a shining light in this little apartment, a place where I could flourish.

I was dead wrong.

I left my family. Sure, my babies are with me but I left my chosen family; the one who chose me. I left Big Cranky and his Mom who I was closer to than anyone else in this world barring my two best friends. I left two amazing people who took me in and treated me like I was their family, who were always there for me and who loved me without condition. I packed myself, my three babies and, with my head down, blindly went somewhere that I thought was full of promise. Little did I know that all the promise was in the place that I ran from.

What did I leave behind? I look back on broken hearts and I'm not talking about mine. I look back at Big Cranky and losing his fiance of six years and his three kids who are now in another town. He loved us, loved our family. I know I'm still madly in love with him, I never felt any different and part of me thinks that he may still love me but the other part of me knows that it's only me hoping to get back what I lost. The chances of me having back that love? Slim to none but I'm clinging onto hope that one day we can work this out and raise our children together. I feel like I'm mourning a death when I think of losing him to someone who will never fully understand the person that he is - protective, quiet, intelligent, loving and gentle. I want to grab and hold on and never, ever let go again. I never needed him more than I do right now. I want to feel the safety I felt when he held me. When he wrapped his big arms around me, squeezed until I almost couldn't breathe I felt like I was home, like nothing could hurt me, like I never had to worry again. What wouldn't I give just to hold his hand....

As for his mother, I ripped her heart moving those kids. She loves them more than life itself, just as much as her others. She got to enjoy my girls and my little man on a regular basis and I took that away from her. That was one of the most horrible things I have ever done. It wasn't right and certainly wasn't fair to any of us. Now, not only is she and Big Cranky hurting but so are my babies. I miss my cups of tea with her and our long chats and the ability to vent, cry and laugh with someone who never once judged me, never hurt me. A wonderful woman that never had a malicious thought in her mind and I do something almost unspeakable by leaving her son and taking her babies away.

Then there are the kids. They miss their family dearly. They're acting out and just not the same. Miss Lily cries for Big Cranky, Little Miss screams to call her Daddy constantly and Little Man Meatball, he just knows something isn't right. They didn't deserve to lose more family after losing their Grampie in March. Little Miss and the Meatball may not understand but Miss Lily does. However, none of them were equipped with sudden and severe move that I made and now they're missing the family that I ripped them away from.

What happened since I moved?

Since I got here I left a good job at an engineering firm for a shit job in a call centre. I hired a babysitter who, well it doesn't matter because that's another very angry blog all on it's own but my trust in anyone has completely diminished and made me realize even more what an amazing man I left. I found out that I'm sick, quite sick and the doctor's aren't sure what yet. I left Sydney, my family and in doing that my life fell apart. I want to go home and I want to make it right but how exactly do I do that?

I'm staying with Flo on Christmas Eve, one week from today. I'm hoping that I can talk to her and hopefully, smooth things over. We have been talking but I don't think I ever really told her how much I do love her, think of her as a mother and best friend and miss her. I don't think I ever said just how sorry I am. I'm hoping that I can do the same with Big Cranky. I want to make things right with him and whether or not we get back together as a couple, I want him to know he always has a place with me, I'll always be here for him no matter what happens between us. I want him to know that my home is also his, no matter what the situation. I want him to know he'll always have love here and a safe place when he needs it. I only want him to be happy, whether that is with me or someone else but I know that I can't stand to see him upset and hate myself for being the one who hurt him the most. I don't think the words "I'm sorry" will ever cover just how regretful I am.

What are my next steps?

Investigate the babysitter. Leave my crap-tastic job for employment insurance and take the time to make sure my children are safe and cared for. Continue the medical testing to find out just how sick I am, a very scary prospect. Find a home back in Sydney, back in the Pier and get my ass as close to Flo as I can so that she can have her babies back and I can have at least her back in my life. Get Miss Lily back to her old school where her education was valid and challenging, where she isn't missing and crying for her friends. Give Little Miss and Little Man Meatball the ability to see their Nanny and Daddy whenever the mood strikes them. Right this wrong that I made when I left.

What about me?

I'm just waiting....