Funny things we heal in the cold and the snow...

I put on my hat, looked in the mirror and decided that I had all the fly-away hairs sufficiently tucked in and hidden. I walked out of the washroom, turning to the left and creeped into my kids' room to take one last peek before I left. They were fine and snoring away, perfect. I walked into my bedroom where my babysitter was playing games with her friend, gave them my cell phone number, the password for the computer and any other info they'd need...hockey game and then my friend's place, just call the cell.

I checked the weather about half an hour before. -18 degrees but -27 with the windchill and here I was going for a walk. I'm starting to believe there is something seriously wrong with me. I left the room with the sitters and grabbed my coat, buttoned up, threw on my sneakers for the walk even though they really didn't match what I was wearing and left. Walked up the stairs in my porch, opened my door and stepped out into the freezing cold, all the while hoping that I didn't slip on the ice and break my neck/arm/leg/ankle or any of the above.

I needed to get out of the house. Staring at the same walls day in and day out isn't good for anyone's mental stability. It's been a long hard few months with the prospect of the next few being just as long and just as hard. I need a clear head, an open mind and a good, deep breath. The air immediately froze my breath and all my hot air turned into a frosty exhale. I smiled at it and walked off my concrete step, cutting through the back yard to the main road where I could walk to the hockey game. I wanted to skip at the prospect of being able to go for a walk all alone but there were things I wanted to think about.

I thought. I thought a lot. At the same time I pulled out my trust cell phone and called a friend to keep me company through the cold. It's funny how walking in the freezing cold can put some things into perspective and the dark and silence can actually shine the light on some of the bullshit and nonsense that happens in your life.

I recently said goodbye to two people who I thought were friends, who had been with me through a lot. However, these people had lives that were surrounded by drama and confusion which I was getting sucked into. My goals were never more than to raise my kids in peace and quiet, no time for highschool issues and gossip and lies. Things happened though and this is what happened, I was drawn into foolishness and webs of insanity that came with them. As much as I care for them, as much as I love them, my life isn't where they're at.

Things happened within my home that eventually led to the downfall of one friendship. So be it. I need to protect my family and if I lost her in the process than that has to be chalked up as being a casualty of trying to set things right for the people who matter to me the most. My children.

The other friendship was lost when I realized that she couldn't hold a confidence. That telling her something and joking around turned into her twisting what I said and gossiping to the point where it made me look like I was trying to ruin someone else's character. It couldn't be further from the truth. The story that came out were not the words that I had spoken. It caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people and left me stuck in the middle. Exactly where I did not want to be and somewhere that I did not position myself to be. She said that she was the one closing the door but I had closed it from the moment I found out about the lie she told.

I opened the door to Tim Horton's in town and wiggled my way to the counter, ordered a cup of tea. I rooted through my change and finally paid my $1.54, thanked the server and walked out the back door with a piping hot cup of tea, two cream and three sugar, in my hands. I started walking in the cold, watching my breath, briefly trying to blow an "O" and laughing at my silliness. I walked through the back of town, past the movie shop and towards the rink. My conclusions had been drawn, my breath of fresh air had happened and I gained some clarity.

There were two negative influences removed from my life. I wasn't choking and drowning in someone else's relationship drama or someone else's gossip and rumours. I wasn't being bombarded with "I had her creep his facebook and tell me about his new girlfriend" or "can you believe she did this and this who she's with and then I followed her here". It feels good. It's quiet, it's relaxed, it's nice. I love these girls dearly but we have come to an impass in the relationship we shared. There is no going back from the issues that occured and we are, obviously, at different points in our lives. Do I wish them well? Somewhat. I don't want to see harm come to either of them but I do hope that karma runs it's course. As of now, I'm at peace with the decision to not have these people in my life. It feels good to limit myself to those that I know are true friends, my girls who have become my sisters over the years.

I said goodbye to the friend on the phone and walked into the rink. It was warmer and exponentially more comfortable. I shook off the cold and walked straight to the doors to the ice and the bleachers. I stood there and took a deep breath again, feeling oddly at peace. I watched the boys on the ice fight, chase the puck and play a good game that, at this time of their lives, was all consuming. I was standing and watching through those doors, listening to the bustle in the canteen beside me just enjoying having people around me but not necessarily with me. The noise and the laughter was enough.

I had arrived at the beginning of the second period and enjoyed my spot until that buzzer rang. I walked back up the short steps toward the main door and ran into my old friend. I couldn't help but smile at him before he even noticed that I had arrived. What I was looking was uncomplicated, comfortable and familiar. Easy conversation, easy silence. I know that doesn't make sense but sometimes a walk that helps you let go also helps you see what's been right in front of your eyes the whole damn time -- sometimes our real friends are hidden in their own quiet, silent lives.

I think cold walks and hockey are my two new favourite things....