COOTIES!!

That’s right people, you heard it here first:  there is a rampant Cootie infection that is sweeping the globe!  Just remember, to be properly diagnosed, you must seek the advice of a child aged five to nine as they have the most acute sensitivity to the Cootie virus.

So, here’s the deal on Cooties:

Cooties is a highly contagious virus that is usually passed between children during recess at school, normally on the playground.  The two strains, male and female, are passed interchangeably between both boys and girls and so, not just one particular sex carries the virus.  A male will carry Cootie Type-M and be highly susceptible to Cootie Type-F which is carried by females who will, in turn, be highly susceptible to the male Cootie strain.  It was previously believed that Cooties was carried by a female host and only infected males but research over the last ten years has proven otherwise.

However, recent studies have shown that adults can now carry the Cootie virus.  The source for this study is none other than my own daughter, Miss Lily who, at the age of six, is at the height of her Cootie detection sensitivity. This information has also been passed to her from other highly aware children in her school.

The Cootie contagion is both airborne and waterborne, as well as having the capability to pass through the mucus membranes.  Hand-washing, while ideal for the impeding of other ailments such as colds and flu, is unnecessary as it does not kill the Cootie virus.  The virus can be passed through direct or indirect contact with a member of the opposite sex.  Simply sharing a couch or loveseat, using the monkey bars in a playground, a hug (ahem, my apparent way to catch them, not the couch as originally suspected), walking by or even talking to someone of the opposite sex. 

Symptoms of Cooties are varied and sometimes hard to diagnose.  In young girls and women it can show as almost flu-like symptoms, weight loss, the watching of 1980’s Brat Pack movies such as the Breakfast Club or Pretty in Pink and drawing hearts over their i’s when writing.  These can also be confused with an actual flu (like me) or the onset of another disease commonly known as “Fascinated Infatuation”.  Older females may also begin paying more attention to their attire, hairstyle and hygiene.

With male victims of Cooties the onset may come on the same way as females but with slight differences.  The younger males may turn toward almost violent behaviour towards girls such as teasing, pinching or knocking books off of their desk.  It could also result in young boys wanting to spend a little more time with other boys watching Transformers and discussing the possibility of Cootie infestation as well as the drawing of “boobies” in the back of their schoolbooks.  The aversion to girls of their age group is not uncommon in the beginning stages of a Cootie infection.  Older boys or men may also begin paying more attention to hygiene and clothing coupled with an attempt to spend more time closer to the opposite sex.  Again, another symptom related to Fascinated Infatuation.

There is a guard against this dangerous infection, an inoculation that will provide a lifetime of Cootie protection from both Type-M and Type-F Cooties.  It is a simple vaccination that is best performed by a close friend of the same sex.  To perform this, have your friend draw two circles on your arm followed by placing a dot in each circle.  During this process you should both recite the following lyric:

Circle, Circle

Dot, Dot

Now you’ve (I’ve) had your (my) Cootie shot!

That is all the protection you need from this incessant bug.  If, however, you have already been infected by a case of the Cooties, you should see a local Cootie immune child immediately for a Cootie-ectomy.  This procedure is too graphic to detail in this short informative yet Cootie-ridden blog.

In closing I would like to wish you all the best of luck with this recent global Cootie outbreak.  Hopefully none of the infections will be as severe as the one I apparently have although I am absolutely convinced I have the damn flu.

Click here for an important Cootie PSA!