Alright, this is a little intense for me...

There is a lot going on in my life right now, between learning to survive completely alone with three small kids to facing a looming and possibly ominous medical diagnosis. I've managed to break down, crack up, go insane, question reality, debate decisions and try to define consequence. All through this my blog has become very cathartic for me, my outlet for my emotional outbursts. They were pretty frequent and most of them are sitting in a draft folder, never to be published publicly but saved for my own memory. It took me reading all of those things to get some perspective as to the journey that I am on.

This perspective has made me realize just how strong I have become, just how much I have grown and the immense amount of things I learned in the short time I have been fighting internally about this break-up. What I am realizing is that the stages of grief do apply to a break-up with the exception that the loved one lost in a break-up brings insurmountable challenges every single day. For example, there is dealing with someone new taking your place the minute you leave it; someone else who is trying to be a parent to your children; the financial difficulties; the loss of physical closeness; the loss of spoken words and comforts; trying to face them to make the decisions regarding children when you wish they would just disappear because even the thought of them not being a part of who you are anymore makes you cringe; trying to figure out how to keep and hold onto friends and loved ones. The list can go on and on.

For me I know that I did deny that there was any major change and things would never be the same again. I know that I bargained and pleaded for them to go back to the way they were. Sound familiar? Stages of grief. But, I have come to a point now where I'm moving on a path towards healing and understanding. I have come to know that he is always going to be a part of my life through the children and I am always going to love him unconditionally because of that. I know that I will always consider him family as I will his mother, brothers, etc. That aside, I have to leave room for them to get to know the new person and build their relationship with her. I am being replaced and as much as it pains me, I've accepted it. Another stage of grief.

Through all this fighting and crying and loneliness I seem to be coming out on the other side with a realization. A realization that what I had wasn't really what I wanted and couldn't have been really happy or would still be there and leaving wouldn't have crossed my mind to begin with. The realization that my loneliness is what was making me remember all the good things and only when I accepted reality did that make me that the amount of hurt I was feeling was outweighing what was good. I can't go back to the frequent fights, threats and punches only to feel the infrequent hugs.

I am beginning to feel renewed, as though I am starting to become the person I am meant to be and not just the other half of someone else. It's as though I'm not being defined through someone else but as a whole person, standing strong and fighting for what she needs for her family to survive. In this feeling of being renewed I am also rediscovering who it is that I am. I have started to remember the music that I like, the movies that I enjoy, the goals and aspirations that I had for myself and not just what I wanted for someone else. I don't have to coddle and push someone else's emotional growth any longer and can foster my own self-discovery without fear or retribution for my attention being taken away.

So, after six years of living my life trying to make a better life for someone else and being in their shadow, I am standing on my own two feet and reclaiming my life. I am reclaiming my strength, my intuition, my independence, my individuality and perspective.

Reclamation of Self.

Yes it still hurts. Yes I still miss him. Yes I get knots in my stomach at the thought of him with someone else. Yes I have regrets but they are becoming an afterthought and the pain doesn't seem to be as sharp anymore. I believe this is what would be called the beginning of moving on ... and on that token, I don't believe that I need another man to help me get over this one. I think that leaving my bed empty and figuring out what went wrong with these last six years and putting some closure on it for myself, allowing myself to lick the wounds and fight the sadness will give me a better understanding of what I really want from a serious relationship. I think that allowing myself to heal and become stronger will ultimately help me find someone who is beyond reproach and worthy of the love that I have to give him. Being alone to find yourself again isn't all that bad and the knowledge that you can be a whole person even when you're utterly alone can only make you stronger in the long run. I think we really need to know what's inside ourselves and allow ourselves to heal before we can open our hearts to someone and risk that hurt again. But that's my opinion.