Things I Need to Stop, Please (picture me sticking my tongue out)

I'm starting this after a misunderstanding of a comment from a lovely cousin on a post I put on Facebook last night.  What started as a joke turned into a half a joke leaving me confused.  My cousin was able to squeak out a "stop please" before she ran to go for coffee with her friend and was unable to finish the joke she was making.  It left me sitting here wondering what it exactly it is I need to stop.  This woman is amazing and, even though we've barely had a conversation over the last few years, she's been quite supportive and offered a lot of support for my new journey with MS so I know there was nothing negative but, it still made me think.

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling making a mental list of things I needed to stop or possibly needed to stop.  Stop writing?  Oh hell no.  I don't care how awful of an author I am, writing this blog is the best therapy outside of getting a tattoo and we all, well most of us, know how therapeutic that needle can be. 

Do I stop getting tattooed?  Stop laughing, I was serious!  It'll never happen though, I don't feel finished yet and getting inked is a personal journey.  I'm sure I'll let you know when my canvas is complete.  Same goes for the ears, they're at a 0 gauge and definitely going to be bigger.  Swallow that thought now, I'm not arguing about it or justifying it.

Do I stop second guessing my abilities?  Yes.  I think that's one thing I can stop and learn to trust that I am an intelligent and capable woman.  Fear of failure stemming from doubting if I was good enough has already cost me a couple of dreams so dammit, I need to work on putting that one to bed as do a lot of us other smart, capable women.  A road to success is paved with failure.  Yes, it is now cliche o'clock.

Do I stop hoping to find love?  The answer six months ago was a resounding yes.  There was no way in hell I would even consider being in a relationship.  I didn't want it, wasn't looking for it and had no desire whatsoever to let someone in.  I was quite happy alone and was quite happy with staying that way.  There was no way I would let anyone set me up, introduce me to people, just no.  I very much enjoyed the freedom of being single, being on my own and doing my own thing without having to include anyone else outside of my little family.  Funny how things change when someone walks in your life and throws you for loop.  Seems all of my desire to never be in another relationship melted away and now I look forward to it.  I'm actually a little mad this person has made me a smiling, ridiculously happy hypocrite.

Do I stop the negative body image?  Another resounding yes!  So  what if I'm fluffy, I've actually grown to love the few extra pounds that I have.  The older I get, the less afraid of mirrors I have become.  Yes it can be difficult finding clothes since I'm too big for normal stores and too small for plus size but hey, I'm not exactly a person with a conventional sense of style anyway.  I've learned that no one is perfect and I've learned that it is the imperfections in people that I find beautiful because they're what makes that person different.  I needed to learn to love the imperfections in myself and I think I'm on that road.  So hey, calling me fat is not an insult, I know what size my pants are and if you don't like my fat ass, that's your problem and not mine.  I'm gonna flip my giant curls and keep strutting along.

Do I stop singing to myself?  Only when I'm alone in public.  I'm a rock star, my singing to myself is not going to stop so please, stop shooting the dirty looks up at my kitchen window when I'm putting on a concert for my cats.

Do I stop worrying?  I'm a mother of three kids, I will never stop worrying.  It's the things I worry about that needed to change.  Worry priorities!  Worrying what the people at my job think about my performance when I know that I'm doing my job to the best of my abilities is not important but worrying about my kids getting home safe from school is perfectly fine.  See the difference?  I have learned to, albeit not always successfully, prioritized the worries.  I'm working on it.

Do I stop shaking?  I have MS!  Okay, that's not funny but hey, I need a sense of humour with this diagnosis.  I won't stop shaking but I'm not going to stop working on taking care of myself and getting as healthy as I possibly can, learn to live with the symptoms I have, prepare for the ones that might be ahead of me and fight like hell to keep the Lesion Family in my brain from adding to their brood.  MS picked a worthy opponent, I'm one tough sonofabitch.   

I had a big list in my head last night while I was laying in bed but this is what I've managed to get out for tonight.  I expect that this entry may be edited to add more "stops" and explanations as to why I should or shouldn't actually stop them.  It was a nice purge tonight and must say I feel pretty good now.  Good enough for a cup of tea, pajamas and a snuggle up with The Big Lebowski.

OH!!  I will never stop with tea,  zebra print flannel or classic movies either ...