Nightmares? No, I've had enough but thanks ...

Have you ever had one of those dreams that were so real that they stuck with you for hours, sometimes days after having them?  Or that they were so real that you woke up from your sleep mid-dream in either sweats, tears or panic, maybe even ecstasy?  That happened to me last night. I remember bolting upright in my bed with a tightness in my chest and an unnerving sense of urgency and panic thinking I was still in my dream.  I slowly realized I was in bed and in the dark except for the reptile lights, sweating under my comforter and trying to catch my breath.  The dream I had was so real that I really did want to pinch myself.

The evening started quite normally, I snuggled up with my copious amount of pillows, ensuring they were all placed perfectly where they'd be the most comfortable for me.  Three under my head, body pillow wrapped around between my knees one tucked behind my back and on and on.  I don't know why I do it, I wake up with most of them on the floor but it's a cozy way to fall asleep happy and relaxed.  The cats did their usual bounce off me and into the window but they settled down while I finished watching a silly show on the laptop before turning over and passing out.  Then I remember this:

Laying in a hospital bed surrounded by a doctor, a couple of nurses, my shooting instructor and a lawyer.  The lawyer I have never come across in waking memory which doesn't make any sense because I do have a lawyer that does my papers.  I remember them saying something that I understood as "feeding tube" and felt the actual pinch in my side.  I looked at the lawyer, the worried face of my charming companion and signed what I understood as a power of attorney, a living will.

That's when I woke.  Deep breaths, confusion and panic in the dark but I came around, sent texts to people that I'm close to asking if they ever had dreams that felt so real.  I ran to the washroom and did the cold water on the face trick that I think only works in the movies followed by some deep breaths.  I fell into some meditation breathing and snapped myself out of it, went back to bed and, after a long time and diary entry, fell back to sleep.

I don't think that this would be so much of a nightmare if it wasn't something that could possibly happen.  With the diagnosis of MS, I've had to rethink and redo a lot of things in my life from diet and exercise, work and yes, even my final wishes and plans, insurance and all that other lovely stuff.  Was this my brain telling me to get a move on with some of these things or just some fears manifesting in the subconscious state?  Was it a way for my brain to tell me that I've been a little too aloof with this diagnosis and to start taking it a little more seriously?  Either way it ruined my lovely sleep and I can think of much better things to do with my range companion than sign paperwork in a hospital bed.

Whatever the reason for it, it freaked me out, still is a little bit and for some reason, I felt the need to share.  To be honest, I'd take a zombie nightmare over that any time.  Zombies I'm ready for but lawyers scare the shit of me (teehee).