Let the search begin ...

For a long time I've been looking into a mirror and wondering where I came from.  Yeah, I know that sounds a little silly but it's a normal thing to question in my circumstance.  You see, I have never known my biological father.  My mother had me very young, at twenty years old and my father, through either his decision or that of my grandparents, was never in the picture.  I've had conflicting stories as to what happened and it leaves me pondering what is the truth and what isn't.  Nobody talked about my biological father during my upbringing and I was too scared to ask.  

When I did ask at 16, I was driven out to Sand Lake for a quiet chat in the car over tea and told that he was the one who walked away and he was the one who gave up on my myself and my mother.  I was told that trying to find him was pointless and that all I would accomplish by doing so would be to break my parents' hearts.  You see, my mother was diagnosed with MS when she was 16 and, as a result of her disability, I was adopted and raised by her parents, my grandparents.  I never wanted to break their heart, I never wanted to hurt anyone but it still didn't stop my wanting to know where the other half of me was and where I got pale grey eyes when my mother's were so brown they were almost black. Why was I so almost blonde when my mother's hair was chocolate brown?  Why was I so short when my mother was tall?  Now don't tell me that it could have been from my grandparents because it can't be, it's impossible but that's not a story for right now even though it does tie into this one, it's not my place to spill those beans.

I was told years ago that I wasn't planned, I was an accident.  Years later I was told that wasn't the case and I actually was a planned and wanted child.  I was told that there was a hard time choosing my name.  Years later I was told my name had already been chosen long before I was born.  Years ago I was told that my mother didn't know she was pregnant until well into her sixth month but years later I was told different and that she kept her pregnancy a secret to avoid being forced into terminating the pregnancy due to her medical condition.  Years ago I was told the plans for my adoption by my grandparents were almost immediate but again, years later I was told that Child Services workers were at the hospital when my mother was in labour and ready to take me to an adoptive family with only my mother's pleads for her wanting so much to keep me being the reason I was allowed to stay.  I was told that when I was 18 and away at university my biological father tried to contact me but was told I wanted nothing to do with him and that couldn't be farther from the truth.  

There are many other examples of these things and it's hard to know who to believe.  Do I believe the women who became my default sisters through the adoption or the woman who was one of my mother's closest and dearest friends who admitted to holding these secrets until the time was right to tell me.  I'm sure, dear readers, you can understand my confusion and my want to be loyal but to which side?  I can't ask the parents who raised me, any of them, as they have all passed away.  My mother/grandmother lost a battle with cancer in June of 2000, my mother succumbed to MS in April of 2005 and my father/grandfather fought a great fight but lost to ALS in March of 2008.  I can't go to them now for answers but only hope that now they can look down and understand my want and need to find the other half of my DNA.  They know how much I love them, they know I would never try to replace them but I just hope they also know that I want to understand the other side of the story, the other side of me.

My whole life I felt as though my existence was a burden on my family but that's not the case.  Even if I was to be given up for adoption to a strange family, the decision was made for me to stay, even if it was last minute.  Regardless of those circumstances, I was taken in and loved by everyone.  My mother, my grandparents who became wonderful parents and three sisters (I can't call them my aunts, they're my sisters regardless of paperwork or circumstance) were and are an amazing family.  I think a lot of the feelings of burden were placed there by myself and not knowing exactly how exactly I fit into the dynamic.  I remember telling my friends at school that my "real" father had died before I was born.  My family environment was an anomaly in the early 1980s, I felt very out of place and very much on the outside of my circle of friends because of it.  I had to have a reason why I was different, so I made one up.

I do want to clarify before I continue that I had a great childhood.  My parents, all of them that I was allowed to know, did what they could for me and raised me well.  I wasn't easy on them, not by any means and especially not when I became a teenager.  I held a lot of confusion and anger with my family dynamic as well as a lot of other circumstances that don't need to be discussed here.  I had a great family, a loving and a happy home.  It was full of affection and gentle caring and I could not have asked for better.  So, please don't think of me as complaining here, I'm not.  I'm merely questioning some of the circumstances of my birth and why my biological father was not a part of it, whether it was his choice or he was forced out.  I have so many questions that for many years I was afraid to ask but now, there really isn't any reason why I need to hold back and ask them.  I am a grown woman with a family of my own, it's time I got the balls and started the search in earnest.  

Aside from using the excuse of wanting a medical history since I'm trying to build one for myself and my children, I want to ask him what his reason for walking away was.  I want to ask him the hard questions that I've been too afraid to ask for far too long.  I don't know if I can trust the answers that I was already given and I want to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak.  If I find him and I get turned away then so be it but at least I tried.  A big part of me is screaming to start searching now because I don't want to find him when it's too late and our first meeting would be me visiting his grave.  Part of me thinks that maybe since he missed out on my entire life thus far, that he might want to get to know his three beautiful grandchildren.  And can I believe that my children deserve to get to know their grandfather in some capacity?  Regardless of what happened thirty-one years ago, things change and people change.  If it turns out that he wants nothing to do with us then that's the way it will be.  I won't force anyone into trying to build a relationship with me or my family.  As disappointed as I would be if that were to happen, it would be another case of having to accept it and keep moving on.

I was given the name of a long-lost cousin to try to reach who could give me some clues to my father.  I found her, we talked and it was wonderful.  I was accepted by her with open arms and we chatted about my little family here and my father only slightly but she gave me the biggest surprise:  my father has five other children, three daughters and two sons.  Holy crap!!  My kids have a whole ton of other aunts and uncles!!  After some wriggling and with the benefit of having an amazing friend with a hardcore case of "get it done" OCD, we think we may have found my siblings.  They're beautiful and look accomplished and so happy.  I'm being completely creepy here because I don't even know if they know I exist and here I am looking at pictures of what may or may not be them.  Resemblances are uncanny though and a photo of a man who may be my brother looks way too much like my son to not be related somehow.  It's such a resemblance, it's eerie.  I haven't contacted them and I won't just yet.  I want to find my biological father first and hopefully talk to him about everything and ask my questions before I consider approaching my siblings.  I've never done this before, never really talked to someone who has and as a result, don't know the delicate etiquette of saying hello to someone who probably doesn't know you're their daughter or their big sister.

I keep hoping and having the fantasy of a wonderful reunion that answers all of my questions and brings on the beginning of what could be a great relationship with a side of myself that I've been questioning my whole life.  The side I was told to ignore ... but how can I ignore someone who, in one way or another, made me and regardless of relationship, is part of who I am?  There is a whole family out there that would be wonderful to get to know.  I was always an advocate of the more people there are to love in your life, the better especially when it's family.  I know I'm getting my hopes up and as much as I'm trying to be my usual self and expect the worst outcome, I can't help but wonder what it will be like, what it could be like.  I will say again, I'm not trying to replace anyone.  I never could but wouldn't it be nice to have the extra?  Maybe I'm greedy, maybe this is a selfish search but I just want to know ... everything.

So, readers, here are my questions for you:  where the hell do I start?  My long-lost cousin has all of my contact information that is hopefully going to be passed onto my biological father but I'm getting impatient and don't want to wait.  Do I wait longer?  Do I take the information I have and start making calls?  I know his name, his age, where he's from and approximately where he's living now.  I know people who may be related to him and the town where he's from is not a big town.  What do I say when I call and who exactly do I call?  Do I start where he's living now or do I start in his hometown where a lot of his/my relatives still are?

Am I completely insane for doing this??