Just for Sharts & Giggles ...

Yes, you did read that correctly, the title of this post is "Just for Sharts & Giggles".  Sharts.  That, my friends, is a scary word.  It is one that we try to avoid using in reference to ourselves because nobody on the face of this earth really wants to admit that they "sharted".  Really, who do you know proudly proclaims that they shit their pants while trying to fart?  Okay, some of us know that special someone who tends to share too much but we love them anyway.  We just make sure to add a helmet under their name on the Christmas gift list.


So, to get to how this little post got started:  this day seemed to be full of shit.  Well, the smell of it, talk of it and the finger pointing as to who left the smell in the bathroom.  It all started this morning with the smell of a fart on the bus and carried on through work with all of my asphalt boys blaming one another for the smell in the bathroom.  (Very important lesson to learn ladies:  when you're the only woman on a work site, no one ever blames you for the horrendous smell in the unisex bathroom).  The poop talk continued all the way to my son trying to get to the bathroom to poop only to have a little girl race him there so she could do her doody.  Get it? Doody = duty?  Nevermind, that was horrible ... and funny so, dammit, laugh.


Between all of that mess, there seemed to be an incessant talk about poop, farts and other things related to all things rear-end.  So, here's an ettiquette on farting, sharting and pooping.

Farting

Rule One:  Always blame someone else unless it's a distinct impossibility.  If you can't place blame, be proud of your emissions.

Rule Two:  Sounds of a passing train and a forklift are wonderful for hiding the sound of a fart but always check the direction of the wind.  If the wind is blowing directly in your friend or co-worker's face and you are upwind of said friend/co-worker, hold the fart or move downwind, otherwise they are going to taste the nitrogen and carbon dioxide.

Rule Three:  Asking someone to pull your finger is ALWAYS acceptable.


Rule Four:  Remember that if you can hear people having a conversation from 300ft away, they can also hear you fart.

Rule Five:  Farting during sex is inevitable and unavoidable.  Laugh and move on.  Sharting can be inevitable and unavoidable as well so be aware after you eat the extra spicy chili or the suicide wings.


Rule Six:  Make sure it's just a fart.


Rule Seven:  Keep in mind that silent is always deadly.  It's the secret 11th commandment that they all must be that way.

Rule Eight:  Don't light them.  Third degree burns on your ass brings new meaning to the term "ring of fire".  Try explaining that one to the ER nurse.

Sharting

Sharting doesn't have rules.  We don't shit our pants on purpose so there can't be a rules surrounding it.  When it happens, and it will, just pretend it was a really stinky fart and go to the bathroom.  While you are in the bathroom, throw out your bloomers (preferably wrapped in a plastic bag), wash your ass and pretend it never happened.  If you're home, take a shower but if you're out, it's okay to go commando just remember that the next time you feel a fart, excuse yourself and fart on the toilet just in case there's more to the story.

Pooping

Rule One:  No one wants to see a picture.  I don't care how big your turd was or what weird shape it was in or the fact that you managed to shit out Jesus' face, don't point your Blackberry/iPhone/Android in the toilet.  Aside from the fact that you're probably going to be going on a really nasty fishing trip, it's just gross.


Rule Two:  It is perfectly acceptable to bring your cell phone to the bathroom.

Rule Three:  It is always acceptable to blame the smell on someone else: your dog, your cat, your kid but never your mother.  Blame your father, he's usually guilty anyway.  In fact, blaming any man will work because most don't realize that the more they protest, the guiltier they look.  Plus, it's fun to watch the antics while you have a funny little stinky secret.

Rule Three:  Never accept blame when everyone else is blaming another person.  Unless you love the smell of your own scat and think everyone else should too.  Or, you're a sadist and thrive on olfactory forms of torture.

Rule Four:  "I need to shit" is perfect for getting out of any conversation but can be over-used.  Before you know it, you will have a doctors appointment and a trip to day surgery for a very large tube with a camera being shoved in your bum.  One word:  BARIUM.  **shudder**

Rule Five:  When answering the phone while on the throne, just keep in mind who you're talking to before you tell them where you are.  New love interest? No.  Old friend from highschool? Yes.  Boss?  Depends on how much you like them and your job.

Rule Six:  It is okay to hang onto whatever is closest to you while you pinch a nugget.

Rule Seven:  Don't hang on so tight it all falls down.

Rule Eight:  When you have to yell for toilet paper, don't tell the person bringing it what you're doing.  Their reaction when they pass it to you will be priceless.


Rule Nine:  Always look after you wipe.  Only you can prevent skid marks!

Rule Ten:  It is totally acceptable to use an entire roll of toilet paper to prevent skiddies.

Rule Eleven:  Never drop the kids off in someone else's pool and leave immediately after.  They will never look at you the same way again and it is impossible to ninja a poop unless you're a bonafied ninja.

Rule Twelve:  If you must take a steamer in a public bathroom, do so with class and dignity.  Stink up the joint and leave like nothing happened!


Well, that's all I can think of for now.  I hope you enjoyed this horribly written post and please, if you know of any other rules, please send them along!  And before anyone asks, not all of these are personal experience but mostly second hand knowledge.


Goodnight dear readers and please, read this on the toilet.