One More Pet & I Can Charge Admission to My Zoo

I had a doctor's appointment today, I'm pretty sure it was appointment number 125 556 926 or at least that's what it felt like.  I'm sure I spend more time with my doctor than I do with my friends.  Today we filled out the paperwork for long-term disability and that was certainly not fun.  I have a list a mile long of things that my body just does not want to do or does without my permission.  Thankfully, I do not require diapers ... yet.  I'm sure I'll have a wonderful long post about that if the time ever comes that I welcome Depends into my life but as of right now, I'm good.  Well, I have to cross my legs when I sneeze or laugh too hard but I'm going to blame that on my kids.

During the question and answer period about whether or not my hands are working yet and a giggle about how my left bicep gets spastic when I lift my right leg, my doctor looks at me and says I look a little stressed.  I fell into sarcasm mode and replied with, "yes, another $150 for three pieces of paper to be faxed to a multi-million dollar corporation while I sit figuring out what bill I can avoid to use the money to pay for the report is always good for the stress levels".  Her raised eyebrow and suddenly pursed lips showed her surprise at my response but it was a true statement and she understood my frustration.  

Then the magic happened, my soft-spoken and well-meaning caring Egyptian doctor who never lets me leave her office before she tells me a corny joke makes a statement that I think is her corny joke, "you should look into adopting a companion dog for yourself".  I'm sure I choked on my own saliva before I explained to her that I have three kids, two cats, a free-roaming iguana and a tiny corn snake so if I added one more pet, I could start charging admission to the zoo that would be my apartment.  yI had to ask if she was volunteering to buy food and pick up poop because I have enough shit to deal with.  Seriously, between the litter box, terrarium and nightly iggy baths plus kids who forget how to flush and my own potty trips, I literally do have more shit than my fair share.  I'm not really complaining, I don't mind the poop but I certainly don't need to add another bum to this equation.

Then she explains to me that I should see the other animals, not including the kids here, as more of my owners, that cats and reptiles see the human they live with as their provider of food and, when they feel the need, affection.  They also see us as their cleaners of poop and other assorted pet tasks.  So basically, they love me but to them I am merely a caretaker and I get paid in random acts of affection that usually mean "get up and feed me".  Dr. Smiley then explains that dogs see us as caretakers but also see us as friends and actually value our companionship, love us unconditionally, give us affection without ulterior motives.  I beg to differ because I know if I was unable to get myself to the bathroom, I would be the kindest and most-loving creature to the person or alien that was going to be taking me there.

So, I've come to the conclusion that as much as I would love to have a dog around here, it's simply not feasible.  I know the kids would love a dog and I know if we adopted an older dog I could avoid some of the initial costs of having him fixed and the struggles of potty training and just get through the struggles of introducing an older dog to a ridiculously strange family dynamic.  Maybe sometime in the future when things calm down around here with me settling into my new diagnosis, treatment and the family gets used to all changes that are happening can we make room for a brand new slobbering, furry mess of an addition to the brood.

... and no, I'm not referring to a man although some do bare a striking resemblance to our canine counterparts.

She sat there during the whole process of writing this post, bumping my hands wanting to be petted.
Voice recognition doesn't work when all you're saying is, "Sasha be nice!".
And yes, I am sitting on the side of my bed using  stacked Rubbermaid containers as a desk, shoot me.