No Point Making Apologies ...

So here, let's sit down and set the record straight:  I'm not perfect.  I know, what a shocker eh?  I, as a mother and as a person, make mistakes on a daily basis and sometimes even at a rate of several WTFs per minute.  That's human nature I suppose, I just wish that we all could realize that.  Wouldn't it be nice if we all came to the conclusion that we're not all perfect, omnipotent sentient beings that roam this earth with infallable moral code and sense of right and wrong?  Honestly, I believe it's impossible considering it's the fallacies and imperfections that make ups all human and beautiful. I know I personally live life with my face in my palm and asking myself "what was I thinking?".  

I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, how this post is going to pan out but I decided to let my brain go and just write.  I guess my point is that I've been looking square in the face of judgement and finger pointing for a little while, at least that's what it feels like.  Any of you, dear readers, ever feel like you were at a heightened sense of awareness just because it felt like someone was constantly looking at you and criticizing every move you made?  Ohh paranoia but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  Living in a fish bowl or rather, a terrarium (I don't know about you but I can't breathe underwater).  We go through this at work, at home, with friends and family and neighbours and those crazy people in the grocery store who give you the side-eye when you threaten your children with leaving if they don't stop arguing with each other.  It's annoying and gets our backs up.  Some of us let it roll, some of it take it to heart.  None of us like the boss breathing down our necks when the pivot tables are having errors, our siblings looking at us over the rim of their glasses in wonderment of the next stupid move we're going to make or our friends shaking their heads as we reason with ourselves and make our excuses.  Sometimes we can almost feel the gossip oozing out behind our backs and the discussions of our behaviour without our presence to confirm, deny or defend.  Most of us just don't want to to know when that happens but we can't help our gossip "Spidey Sense" from tingling and whether or not we're giving the opportunity to defend ourselves, it doesn't hurt any less.

But it goes both ways!!  See, right now you're judging me for starting a sentence with "but" and I'm judging you for being so uptight that you'd really care about that.  My point is that as much as we hate feeling those fingers pointing at us, we do it ourselves.  We point our perfect fingers at the lesser people who we believe are totally f**king up (sorry for the lack of a better term there).  We decide what they should and shouldn't do behind their backs without them sitting beside us to either defend or discuss what is being said.  I bet the people we talk about behind their backs feel the gossip ooze coming from us.  My thinking here, my idiotic logic, is that maybe we should all just stop.  I'm trying at the very least, finding my sense of peace in my own little world with my babies and my animals but some  people will always make me raise an eyebrow.

But then we have to look at it this way:  would we want people to tell us exactly what they think all the time?  What would hurt more:  the gossip or someone in your face about your mistakes?  That's a tough call.  Sometimes I think I'd rather live in ignorant bliss about what people think of me or say about me and sometimes I think I want to face it.  Of course, my Ma used to say that I should just let people talk because if they were talking about me, they were leaving someone else alone and how very right she is.  So, we can easily discount the gossip but what about when you're faced with it and what about when someone angrily calls you on a mistake that you made?  How do we deal with that?  I know what I do, I turn and walk away.  There's no point in getting into an argument no matter how hurt we may be and until nerves are calm, there's no point in discussion.  Screaming may feel right in that moment but I know myself well enough that I'm going to make it worse if I stick around, especially if I'm hurt.  I know that making me angry is one thing and I can effectively recognize it and deal with it but hurting me is a completely different ball of wax.  I can quickly forgive being angered, I have trouble with forgiveness of being hurt. 

I guess my point is that I am who I am, I'm not perfect and nor do I claim to be.  I do the best I can with what I have and there are things that are important to me that may not be important to others.  My house is never polished clean, my laundry is never finished.  I've been known to manipulate and tell a fib to get me by.  I can be just as boisterous as I can be withdrawn.  I'm not thin, I'm not beautiful in the conventional sense plus  I've got scars and marks and wrinkles.  Most of the time I don't realize my stupidity until the mistake is over, it's never intentional or malicious but I can seem that way.  I'm aloof.  I can be flighty and hard to get to know.  I guess no one really does know me.  My relationships are usually fleeting because I can be demanding but sometimes much to complacent.  I'm a loner with a fragile ego, self-conscious but can sure as hell fake confidence when I need to.  I'm still coming to terms with who I am and discovering the process of becoming a better person.  I do what I feel is best with the little bit that I have and sometimes it doesn't make sense but hey, at least I'm doing something.

There, that's about it I think.  I make no apologies for the person that I am and dammit, none of us should.  We are all perfect human beings and by that I mean, we're all nuts.  Let's just remember our own flaws, deviations, mistakes and quirks before we appraise the value of another by their actions.  Maybe if we do that, we'll find compassion and acceptance, not anger or cynicism.