My sciatica is acting up horribly tonight and sleep is just not an option. I'm just laying in bed and listening to music. Music is that beast that brings back memories more than any smell or sight or other sounds ever could. It tends to bring back every emotion or memory of what I was doing when I first heard it or it was one of the songs that was constantly looping through my speakers. When a certain song plays, I'm taken directly back to that place or that person, the smells and the touches of what happened during that time. I know, I'm a freakshow but music has always done that to me. There are songs I refuse to listen to because I just don't want to remember those times. It's my own personal time machine.
Anyway, I'm sitting here on my bed, twisted in my blankets from trying to find a spot that keeps my leg from aching to the point that I want to cut it off. At first I just layed here with the volume low and random songs playing in my ears to try to help me drift off. I eventually found that I was singing along and thinking and turning the volume up while my aching toes kept a steady rhythem with the memories that came flooding back in. It seems that all of my relationships - work, family, friends and otherwise - are incredibly intense but incredibly quiet. Fierce but silent. I'm having a really hard time explaining this and it's mostly because I keep the intensity to myself. It's not something that was every spoken or put into words but could be felt in the room; seen and experienced and felt but never spoken. I don't think I really realize the intensity until I look back at the situation, and I usually don't look that deeply back until the memory is triggered and this is usually through music.
Sometimes music says all the things that we can't and the music we choose to listen to in each other's presence somehow subconsciously says all those things for us. Mostly it's for our own amusement of course but next time you're with someone you care about, pay attention to the songs you feel like listening to as I am sure you'll be surprised what your choices are. I have one song that insanely reminds of the last time I spoke to someone ... yeah, I was "counting bodies like sheep to the rhythem of the war drums" that afternoon and from the slam of that car door, you'd think I really was. Other times I was the "queen of pain" to the "king of cowards" but "saw forever in my never" only to come to the conclusion that "we could've had it all, rolling in the deep".
I turn it up, I get lost in it, I find the intensity that I once had for the situation I was in and the feelings I had for
whomever I was with. Lady GaGa always makes me smile, I just close my eyes and dance with my babies again, all the laughter and love that was in the moment of dancing to her with those three "little monsters" comes rushing back. Great Big Sea's "Chemical Worker's Song" brings me back to giving my Dad a hug when I was kid and still smelling the coal mine off of his neck. That smell was there no matter how much he washed and I can always feel his strength and smell him again when I close my eyes and hear that drum. And there are so many others that bring these intense feelings and memories back, countless to be honest.
Science says that our sense of smell is our strongest memory trigger but I call bullshit on that. Our strongest memory trigger (mine anyway) is listening to someone else sing everything you want to say but are too scared to say it; find the words for you to help pull that fondness and warmth to the forefront of our mind; allow us to close our eyes and relive some of our greatest or saddest moments. A song can create a mood where just eye contact with someone you've been wanting can say everything you want to say, whether it's your devotion, passion and/or energy, enthusiasm. I've been told once to "stop looking at me like you love me". Hahaha, I just remembered that and you know what? I'm listening to Billy Talent. My lovely readers may not get that reference but that's okay, I do and I'm sure the gist is there.
But, it's 5:37am and I'm rambling like an overtired fool. I think I'm going to take my Blackberry and limp down on the front step to finish watching the sunrise with some tunes blaring in my ears. I think it's time to make another memory, one of enthusiasm for the things to come and the experiences to be had. (I'm such a dork at this hour.)
Anyway, I'm sitting here on my bed, twisted in my blankets from trying to find a spot that keeps my leg from aching to the point that I want to cut it off. At first I just layed here with the volume low and random songs playing in my ears to try to help me drift off. I eventually found that I was singing along and thinking and turning the volume up while my aching toes kept a steady rhythem with the memories that came flooding back in. It seems that all of my relationships - work, family, friends and otherwise - are incredibly intense but incredibly quiet. Fierce but silent. I'm having a really hard time explaining this and it's mostly because I keep the intensity to myself. It's not something that was every spoken or put into words but could be felt in the room; seen and experienced and felt but never spoken. I don't think I really realize the intensity until I look back at the situation, and I usually don't look that deeply back until the memory is triggered and this is usually through music.
Sometimes music says all the things that we can't and the music we choose to listen to in each other's presence somehow subconsciously says all those things for us. Mostly it's for our own amusement of course but next time you're with someone you care about, pay attention to the songs you feel like listening to as I am sure you'll be surprised what your choices are. I have one song that insanely reminds of the last time I spoke to someone ... yeah, I was "counting bodies like sheep to the rhythem of the war drums" that afternoon and from the slam of that car door, you'd think I really was. Other times I was the "queen of pain" to the "king of cowards" but "saw forever in my never" only to come to the conclusion that "we could've had it all, rolling in the deep".
I turn it up, I get lost in it, I find the intensity that I once had for the situation I was in and the feelings I had for
whomever I was with. Lady GaGa always makes me smile, I just close my eyes and dance with my babies again, all the laughter and love that was in the moment of dancing to her with those three "little monsters" comes rushing back. Great Big Sea's "Chemical Worker's Song" brings me back to giving my Dad a hug when I was kid and still smelling the coal mine off of his neck. That smell was there no matter how much he washed and I can always feel his strength and smell him again when I close my eyes and hear that drum. And there are so many others that bring these intense feelings and memories back, countless to be honest.
Science says that our sense of smell is our strongest memory trigger but I call bullshit on that. Our strongest memory trigger (mine anyway) is listening to someone else sing everything you want to say but are too scared to say it; find the words for you to help pull that fondness and warmth to the forefront of our mind; allow us to close our eyes and relive some of our greatest or saddest moments. A song can create a mood where just eye contact with someone you've been wanting can say everything you want to say, whether it's your devotion, passion and/or energy, enthusiasm. I've been told once to "stop looking at me like you love me". Hahaha, I just remembered that and you know what? I'm listening to Billy Talent. My lovely readers may not get that reference but that's okay, I do and I'm sure the gist is there.
But, it's 5:37am and I'm rambling like an overtired fool. I think I'm going to take my Blackberry and limp down on the front step to finish watching the sunrise with some tunes blaring in my ears. I think it's time to make another memory, one of enthusiasm for the things to come and the experiences to be had. (I'm such a dork at this hour.)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Come on...let me know what you think... or just follow me on twitter @blueallieboo and rant to me there ;)