Loose Ends

Over the last few days I went back to places and spoke to people that I swore I would never speak to again in my lifetime.  People that I parted ways with on bad terms, midst an argument or feelings of hurt with no closure and no resolution.  I never realized how good it would feel to run into two of those people, talk, forgive and move on.  It's nice to move on without holding those feelings of resentment and anger.  The animousity we carry for people who have wronged us or that we feel have wronged us really can eat away at our soul.

While out for a walk downtown, I doot-dee-doo'd my way up Spring Garden (commonly known as Skin Garden Rd due to the amount of nearly nude people there in the summer) and when I looked up from switching the song that was blaring in my ear, there he was.  OOoooh, all I wanted to do was gaffle his short self and toss him out into traffic then take his wallet to get back the money he owes me.  I wanted to freak and scream about how much his words had hurt people that I love and his actions caused a lot of  upheaval in my life.  Like a movie flash, I could see myself hurting him and I wanted desperately to make him cry.

The Buddhist in me came to my rescue.  Meditation sessions and self-control (possibly medication) saved me from my impulse to draw blood.  I thought it better to let bygones be bygones and suddenly realized that the past deserves to stay exactly where it's at.  I walked up to that stumpy bastard and hugged him, apologized for the way things ended and was met with seemed to be a sincere apology back.  It was a good chat and I walked away knowing that even though the friendship was over, it ended respectfully this time.  I made peace with the situation and feel very at peace.  The demons of that situation are finally at rest.

Two days later while attempting bonnach bread, which turned out horrible, my MSN starts flashing.  Lo and behold there is the asshat to trump all asshats, King Arsehole himself.  Someone I had hoped was long forgotten along with the heartache, the broken and empty promises and his selfishness and inconsiderate behaviour.  A childhood heartbreak, my very first one from the first person who told me he loved me and then, seventeen years later, the purveyor of another heartbreak after leading me to believe that love, even immature love of teenagers, can come full circle and turn out wonderful.  No, lies and bullshit and loans that were never repaid and visits to fill my ear with promises and hope while he left to go back to his girlfriend that I had no idea wasn't really an ex.

Another moment of wanted to squeal and scream and type in bold, capital letters.  I deleted him, forgot to block him and there he was, appearing on my screen in his cocky self-assuredness to slime his way back into our "friendship". King Asshat asked to bring me tea and I, like a fool, said yes with every intention of pouring burning hot liquid over his head.  

Damn you Buddhist philosophy for making care about peaceful endings!! Instead of pouring it over his head when he walked in, I sat down with him and we talked.  Talked about everything from the relationship  that followed him (doomed as it was), the relationship he's in now and everything that happened in the meantime.  I was met again with sincere apologies for behaviour and craziness and the heartache that was caused.  I was met with laughter after that and a promise to keep his distance.  I don't have to promise to keep mine, that's a given.  I may have forgiven and forgotten but trust is hard to rebuild and I certainly don't have that fight in me, at least not with him.  Another set of demons laid to rest as he hugged me goodbye, another surprisingly easy ending to what was a tumultous, angst-ridden and seemingly unending (thanks to the moron that followed him) "relationship".

I'm breathing easier.  I didn't realize that these two friendships and how they ended weighed so heavily on my shoulders.  I thought I was over the fights, I thought I had moved on from the foolishness but, the teachings are very true in that forgiveness heals.  Carrying around that burden of anger was destroying a little piece of me that I didn't even realize and now that forgiveness has been given, on all sides, a sense of peace has poured in.  These two will never again be a part of my life again but I do thank them for giving me the opportunity to find the truth behind forgiveness.

I do have to say that it's amazing but I have a lot further to go (ending the violent mental images of things I'd like to do to people who pissed me off would be one thing to start with) and a lot more people to forgive and, more importantly, ask forgiveness from, including the moron.  Buddhism and it's teachings have given me the foundation to find myself, my heart, my strength and my confidence.  I'm a very happy girl now that I finally realize that one small action can make a world of difference.

UFOs? Aliens? Where's the tinfoil?

I started writing a lot today but it was all bits and pieces, half finished thoughts that were typed out between wiping a poop covered bum or switching laundry or fantasizing about sweet, chocolate, sugary goodness.  Everyone in my house is asleep, except for me of course and the only noise is the TV and the dryer.  I am dangerously alone with my thoughts and some strange little ideas floating around me.  

I watched a documentary today about aliens, UFOs, extraterrestrial life and questioning whether or not they exist but also if they have visited our little planet.  Food for thought.  I honestly think it would be naive to believe that life would not exist on other planets.  Let's face it, our sun could very easily be a star in someone else's sky.  Wouldn't it be interesting to think that when we look through our telescopes at the night sky that someone, at a distance hard to comprehend, is also looking back at us.

It seems lately that there is a lot of information being released to the public from many governments, including our own, sharing all documents (military, civilian, local police, observatories, etc) relating to UFOs and their sightings.  This does not include the United States, sadly enough because wouldn't we all love to read the real information regarding Roswell and Area 51.  There are many high ranking government officials and professional people coming forward with information of things they have both seen, experienced and took part in.  

One would include Dr. Steven Greer, a recognized medical doctor from the state of Virginia and North Carolina and the former chairman of the Department of Emergency Medicine at Caldwell Memorial Hospital in Lenoir, North Carolina.  He is credited as the founder of the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence as well as The Disclosure Project.  He believes that it is imperative that governments release all their knowledge of UFOs and alien life as it is believed that these foreign species may hold the key and the technology to free humanity's reliance on natural gas and help us to curb our ongoing fight on pollution, global warming, etc.  In my humble opinion, this is a valid argument.

Another notable person speaking out about the existence of alien life and their presence on our planet is Dr. Edgar Mitchell, an astronaut on the Apollo 14 mission and the sixth man to walk on the moon.  He claims to have first-hand knowledge of aliens and also claims that many governments, including the United States, have had contact with alien species over the last sixty years.  It all sounds crazy but when reading about this man's history including his work with both the US Navy and NASA as well as being educated through numerous science degrees including a Doctor of Science Degree in Aeronautics and Astronautics from Michigan Institute of Technology (MIT) and numerous honourary doctorates from multiple universities, it could make even the most skeptical raise an eyebrow and pay attention.

Recently, on September 27, 2010, a news conference was held where Robert Salas, Charles Halt, Robert Hastings, Bruce Fenstermacher, Dwynne Arnesson, Patrick McDonough, Gerome Nelson and Robert Jamison (all retired) give testimony about their UFO encounters while they were on official duty in the US military at nuclear weapons sites.  These men all held high ranks and security clearances.  They are trusted and educated which makes this conference a little creepy and an interesting watch.  

Another interesting new conference had the former Canadian Defence Minister Paul Hellyer speaking about full disclosure of governments regarding UFOs and alien life which he claims to have a vast, first-hand experience and knowledge of.  He is another believer that aliens could supply the knowledge and technology to stop and possibly reverse the effects of our pollution problem by helping us develop clean energy sources to replace our use of fossil fuels.

Does the fact that Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist has been named the  head of the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs make you go "hmmm"?  Yeah, me too.  She is the first Malaysian astrophysicist and credited with creating the curriculum in astrophysics at the Malaysian national university.  This world renowned mathematician and astrophysicist, oversaw the development of  Planetarium Negara, Malaysia's national planetarium in Kuala Lumpur at the directive of the nation's president.  The United Nations claims that this position is regarding space debris, laws between countries regarding independent space exploration and possible catastrophic events such as asteroids approaching Earth.  It also makes her the first person to speak to an alien race if one should make it's presence known.  Hmmmm ... 

There have been retired NORAD officers, British, Mexican, Argentinian, Australian, etc military intelligence officers, numerous highly educated scientists and multiple government officials speaking out in recent months.  Could a disclosure of the existence of alien life be coming?  Maybe.  Nothing is impossible I guess.

There are things that could be sketchy or skeptical.  Recently on a CNN broadcast, two young men proved how easy it is to fake a UFO sighting.  Add to that how easy it is to manipulate still and video shots and sightings can be called into question very easily.  Genius and insanity also border very closely so could all of these people be bordering on insanity and reading too much into vague documents from the 1940s and on?  I guess that's possible too.

I suppose one has to decide for themselves what their level of belief is going to be.  As for me, I think they're out there but to what extent I actually believe that they're also here, I'm not sure of.  I want to believe as much as some people already do believe.  Some to the point of wearing their tinfoil helmet and filming every shooting star in the sky while fantasizing about being abducted to the mother ship.  Sadly, the belief in UFOs and life off of our planet is ridiculed and sometimes grounds for being committed.  

Is it possible that if we were more open to the idea of alien life being an absolute truth that the absolute truth regarding alien life would be confirmed?  Maybe.

The Art of Transit Naps

I stood at the bus stop this morning for about ten minutes watching the rain drops fall off the leaves on the trees beside me. While I waited the eternity of ten minutes I also dug the toe of my shoe in the gravel, adjusted my leggings, tried to whistle (until I realized I looked like a crazy person) and snapped my fingers. Snapping my fingers and whistling. Now that I think of it, I probably looked like a five year old standing beside the broken vase doing the "I-Didn't-Do-It" dance.

I finally broke out of my stupor when I heard the familiar "psssh" of the bus' air brakes and noticed how gray the sky was. Gross. Doors opened, climbed on and put my bright orange bus ticket in the thingy (what is that thing called anyway?) and sat down. A big empty seat by the back door was calling my name. It was perfect. Can't watch the sheeple from the front of the bus. I thought about reading and even went as far as taking my book out of my bag.

"Liar's Poker". Wall Street in the early 1980s, bond trading, stock exchange, mortgage garble I can barely understand. I know paperclips and document control numbers, mastered the intricacies of the photocopier and document compiling in Adobe, I'm not a money person. Just look at my cheque book and bank statements, it's obvious that money beguiles me and bamboozles me with it's quick waltz out of my pocket. The book seems drab and bland, the kind of book I'd usually snub my nose at but it's surprisingly good and exceptionally well written. It's the only book I've read that can reference a "Big Swinging Dick" and not sound like pornography. So far I've devoured close to seven chapters in two days and considering I've only been reading to and from work on the bus, that's pretty good. It almost makes me want to learn more about this money beast and the men and women who so cleverly throw it around. But, this morning I managed only one paragraph.

My book ended up on my lap, my sheeple observations ceased and my eyes closed. I started the timeless art of bus napping. By the time the 21 reached Dutch Village I was out cold. My head was bobbing with the bounce of the bus on the uncertain up-and-down of Halifax roads. You're never really asleep on the bus but it sure as hell feels like it. You get a little nudge whenever you reach the next stop or the PeeMan sits close enough to you that you get the occasional waft of his cologne of choice - urine. I have that silly one eye open glance to make sure I'm where I'm supposed to be and back to sleep. Today I woke up on Gottigen Street, yawned and put my book back in my bag after deciding to continue my nap on the ferry. I took a quick peek out of the window to make sure the sky was still gray. I know where I am, time to sleep but not without a peek at a balcony to bring a little grin to my sleeping face.

"Just put the razor up your nostril and turn this way, then that way. That's how I take care of the nose hairs." I'm on a tangent and that's a story for another time.

I woke up again in time to jump off the bus and stare for a minute at Freak Lunchbox wishing to hell it was open so I could get some goodies. Finally strutted my chubby ass to the ferry terminal ... missed it. I guess I should've avoided staring at the candy store. On days like this when I miss the ferry I usually walk the boardwalk, today I sat in the ferry terminal half-assed reading a newspaper until I heard the familiar robotic voice telling me that the Woodside Ferry is now boarding.

No one interesting today. No strange conversations, no marriage proposals, no weird shoes or horrible haircuts. There were no interesting tattoos, shockingly beautiful people or anyone that made you question their gender. Like the guy who cleans the ferry that I eventually realized was a girl when I found him cleaning the woman's washroom. Still makes me raise an eyebrow. I thought for a minute that maybe she was transgender and if that was the case, good for her/him but no, just a very manly woman with a moustache and mutton chops who speaks very highly of her husband and children.

The ferry was uneventful and lacked the completion of my nap. Just couldn't stop staring at the damn Chemul wondering what that shipyard was going to look like with that big orange beast gone. Moorings are coming off soon. Sea trials and commissioning are beginning within the next week or two and then it's done, gone, over, adios. End of a brief chapter.

All in all, I made it to work today which, on any given day, is a great feat of persistance and timing. I'm just glad I've finally mastered sleeping on the bus.

How honest is too honest??

Here I am again, pounding out a little blurb of nonsense. Lady Gaga played John Lennon's famous white piano. Lucky b*tch. Not that I can play the piano but playing Chop Sticks on John Lennon's piano, the one that he wrote Imagine on, would be quite the experience. Oh, I could also play Mary Had A Little Lamb!! Far cry from an unarguable timeless classic, but Mary Had A Little Lamb sort of is in it's own right. Isn't it?

It's late and I should be in bed but I have a bizillion (I know, ridiculous number) questions floating around in my head. I'm a little pissed off. Well, maybe a lot pissed off but that's beside the point. I'm trying to figure out whose place it is to determine how honest I need to be with my kids. Whose job is it to figure out how much they should or shouldn't know? Oh wait, that's right, that's me. Seems there are people who are not to happy that I'm completely honest with Miss Lily regarding the circumstances of my upbringing. Those who know me, know the story so there is no reason to repeat it here. The thing is, Miss Lily is questioning her upbringing and who everyone is in her life, where they stand, how we're all related and why things came to be that way. Do I hold this information back from her the way it was held back from me? The way it's still held back from me, certain pieces of it anyway. If my baby girl is hurting and questioning things her life that I can relate to, is it not my job as her mother to symphathize with her and tell her that I understand? I've had some of the same questions growing up that she has. I can answer her questions the way that no one answered mine. I still have a lot of things I want to ask and I'm still nervous to ask because it makes me feel like that little kid who was told things just are they way they are and don't bother.

I don't want any of my kids to feel that any part of who I am, who they are and what makes us a different and extra special kind of family is anything to be ashamed of. I don't ever want them to be afraid to ask me a question or wonder if the answer is truthful. I have three beautiful babies whom I love dearly, without question. As their questions are asked, they will be answered as honestly as I can. Of course I'm going to edit according to age but never will I hold back. Who I am, who their family is, who their parents are is all a part of their history and they deserve to grow up knowing it. I think their situation, being so different from other families, may give them a different perspective on life, family and what constitutes a family. Families now are so varied, so mixed and so diverse that me, being a single mother of three, isn't an unusual occurance anymore. I don't want them to think that there is something wrong with the way that I grew up or the way that they are growing up. How else can I do that if it's not an open topic?

Could I be wrong? Absolutely. I promised myself I would always be honest with my children about everything. Is that wrong? Should I avoid questions? Should I not volunteer information even though I think it might make my little girl feel better and that she's not the only one in the world that has wondered and worried and asked? She has a sister and brother coming up behind her that I'm sure are going to be asking the same questions she already has and how can expect to have an open and honest relationship with them if I haven't had one with their big sister? How can I have an open and honest relationship with any of my children if I avoid or redirect any questions that they have? I think if I don't answer them honestly when they're younger, they're never going to ask me anything when they're older. As they grow up and the questions they ask deviate from family to sex, drugs, friends, relationships, etc I want them to know that Mommy is always going to answer as calmly, truthfully and best that she can.

Is it possible to build this kind of relationship with my children one piece at a time? I don't want to be their best friend, that's not my job. I want to be their mother, someone to be respected and, in some cases, feared (especially when you're giving your sister a nipple twister). At the same time, they need to know they can come to me with anything. I think that trust is built step by step, even in parent-child relationships and starts from day one.

Dear followers, in atypical fashion for me, I went on a serious slide to somewhere that I ponder quite often. So you guys tell me ... would you answer your children's questions as honestly as you can or would you avoid or redirect them? Do you guys think there is any other way to handle the hard questions other than be as honest as you can based on how old your child is and what you know they can handle? If you do, please share.

Love and hugs xoxox

PMS is a funny little period.

Oh am I ever on a rollarcoaster today. Thought it best to pull back on the brake and let things slide a little slower. This way I'm still riding the ups and downs but allowing myself to have more control ... maybe. There's something to be said for being an absolute trainwreck of emotion, hyper-sensitive and overly analytical while being unable to be passive until these days of bipolar madness subside. Welcome to the hormonally charged time known as premenstrual syndrome. The big P M S. Ugh, gross and way too much information. Sorry.

I have a tendancy to take the unwilling on this unpopular ride with me when I know better but my mouth doesn't get the message to shut-up, it just keeps running it's foolishness while my brain and my common sense are waving their arms and screaming "NOOOO". Sort like what your sober friends do when you have your handy beer goggles on and try to leave the bar with the stangest science speciman there. In reality, someone should just grab a hold of you and simply scream "MISTAKE". Oh, I need that person today except they need to tell me to "SHUT UP"!

At the very least, it's a beautiful quiet day at home. Miss Lily is snuggled up on the couch reading a book, Princess Chloe is drawing pictures and hanging them on the fridge for me, Everett is racing his cars on the coffee table and periodically hugging me. I'd like to take them for a walk but I'm afraid I'd bite somebody. They're safe, the rest of the world isn't. The brain-to-mouth filter is busted and the thoughts don't make much sense. It all hurts. You could tell me you loved me and I'm the greatest thing ever but I'd break down and call you a filthy liar. I even yelled at the TV today but seriously, no woman is that happy on her period and those damn commercials have to stop misrepresenting that fact.

Wow, I made my point about being completely irrational.

This is getting comical to me now. The foolishness of it all. I'm laughing now, give it five minutes and I'll either be cranky and accusing people of hurting me when there was no intention of it or crying over the fact that I have no idea what the hell to make for supper.

Well, it's not really that bad but it's crappy. Two days and then release, back to normal. I feel really friggin bad for all those horrible men I have to work with tomorrow. May as well paint targets on the all and start slinging the mud.

Hey K, got an extra chair I can toss for some brief deliverance of this silliness?? I know you get it!!