Long Day, Remembering Jerry Springer Episodes (NOT G RATED)

I was sitting down earlier today and thinking about old Jerry Springer episodes. Yeah, long day scrubbing and cramping, cleaning and bloating, folding and cranking. Yup, it's that time again. Anyway, I was sitting her folding some clothes and started thinking about hookers. Don't ask, there was a song on about "ho's" on I think. My giggle at hookers moved onto old hookers and eventually to the Million Dollar Blow Job.

There was an episode of Jerry, probably five to ten years ago where there was an older lady who was also a prostitute. She was the purveyor of the Million Dollar Blow Job. It entailed simply of this: she took her teeth out. Yup, toothless blow jobs. I wouldn't know anything about them, mostly because I have teeth, but according to her they're worth a million bucks! The problem this poor woman was having was that she left her teeth on the dashboard of one of her johns. Now, she had to tell her hubby. That's when the fighting ensued. Her john was there, they got her teeth back but not after a scuffle or two with her husband.

Ahhh, Jerry, how I miss your entertainment. Your freakshow that you call daytime television was a savior to me during my imprisonment at St. Margaret's Hall; saving me from countless horrid lectures on philosophy. Who needs Plato when you have Jerry? It has also saved me from doing housework, homework and countless other tasks. It has been a wonderful break in my day. An hour to allow my brain to go numb and delve into the depths of depravity and take a break from reality.

I love Jerry Springer.

Now, I have to decide whether or not to lose my teeth.....

...no, I paid to much for my braces.....

This is what she thinks of you....

Intense and she can't explain it. You seem to be the elusive blend; nice guy tempered with perfect hint of tough guy, just enough to make her feel safe again. You don't play on her, use her, toy with her but know how to act with her; react to her. You make her trust without realizing it. Give her hope without really offering it. You appreciate what she does and who she is, with you and for you. You're genuine, honest and explicit. You held the door, you asked permission, you have an infectious smile.


You are, in no uncertain terms, very much a gentleman. Take this blogger's word when I say that you really took this girl by surprise, opened her eyes. She thanks you for being her friend but is scared to tell you the rest. So, as a favour, I helped her and hopfully, you'll realize just how close she holds you and the impact you have. You are held in high regard.

Take this post as whatever you wish. I'm not revealing anything, don't ask.

A List of Disgusting Questions Peppered with Random Thought...

Looks like my Hallowe'en costume isn't going to make it and that really sucks. Ahhh well, that's what I get for ordering it so friggin' late I guess. I'll save it for next year or maybe, I'll save it for around the house, lol. I could wear it around the house I guess, I'd be pretty popular though...hahaha. Mental pictures of me answering the door in a black corset and skirt with knee boots and a riding crop. My oh my. I'd either have a lot of visitors or a lot of people runnng away. Whichever happened, it would be very amusing to say the least.

Ever try to pick your nose but your nails are too long and you hurt yourself? No? Me either.

Do you look at the toilet paper after you wipe? No? Why not? Don't you want to make sure you're clean ya freak?!

Do you sneak down the aisle in Wal-Mart to fart or do you fart wherever you are? I hide and blame the baby if it stinks.

Say your bum gets itchy when your walking, how do you scratch it? Honestly, answer this one because I had one hell of an itch walking to the bus the other day. All I wanted to do was drop my pants and scratch my ass on the concrete. You know how dogs drap their ass on the carpet.? Yeah, it was that bad.

Do you wonder how people who don't poop in public or at work can hold it all day? I do. My stomach would be in fits. I want to buy these people some Poopsie-Daisie or Just-A-Drop and some toilet sanitizer and tell them to have at it, their guts will thank them.

Does a guy really believe a girl when she says she doesn't toot? Come on people, that's like finding a guy who doesn't masturbate. Here's a secret: ALL WOMEN FART!

Finally, here are some of my answers to stupid questions I've been asked:

Did your tattoo hurt? No, felt like butterflies gently flying over my arm.

Did that piercing hurt (insert whatever one here)? Again, butterflies did it for me and rainbows came down from Heaven to take the pain away and the needle turned into a fucking magic wand that sent out a puff of glittery smoke and it was over.

Are they all yours (in reference to my kids)? Nope, I collect them randomly at the grocery store.

Do you work here (while sitting at the reception desk at work)? Nope. I walk into random offices and sit at their reception desks to screw with people's minds.

Is that your dog? Do you know she's going to be big? Didn't know she was mine. I found this really nice leash by a bush and wanted to take it home, turns out the dog was attached. Didn't know she was going to be big, thought she a miniature breed, guess I should get my money back. Bastards lied to me, damn puppy mills.

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I think I'm losing my mind. There are so many things that come to mind in the run of a day that I really do wonder about it's rediculous. Then, when I mention them to anyone, they look at me like I'm insane. Wonder why.

Hannah -- (sorry guys, this one is graphic)

It's catching up to me now. I didn't want it to because my sitter will be here in about twenty minutes so I can go for a job interview. I don't want to think right now. The laundry helped, the sweeping helped, Little Man Meatball entertaining me helped, Little Miss kept me on my toes but the day is going to start winding down soon and that interview isn't going to last forever. The kids will go to bed and I'll have to think about the bad news, the horrible decisions, the physical pain, the doctor telling me it was over.

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Hours later now and I was right about the day winding down. Always in the back of my mind was her, Hannah, my little girl. She's four today, as of 6:15 AM on this day in 2004, she was born at the IWK in Halifax. Big Cranky was with me at the end, Miami was with me at the beginning of labour. I was induced on the 27th in the afternoon and labour started. Normal regular contractions, normal regular labour. Sometime through the night I asked for pain medication, Big Cranky rubbed my back through the whole thing, the nurse was holding my hand while the other was putting in an IV and giving me that blessed button to push for more demerol. My water broke a few hours later and labour progressed. The never checked my dilation or effacement, they didn't have to. Hannah was too tiny at six months gestation, so tiny I didn't need to be fully dialated, just trust my own body to know when it was time to push. I never wanted to get to that point, I could have stayed in pain forever because I didn't want to let her go but it happened and I did it and there she was. Tiny, perfect and still.



We never heard her cry, it was too late for that. I wish I could have because when I heard Chloe and Everett, I wondered if they sounded like their big sister or maybe she sounded like Lily. We'll never know. I never got to see her eyes, I wanted to see them so badly but they never opened, they couldn't, she was gone. I wonder now if they were a piercing blue like her father's, would they have stayed that way or would they have faded to an ocean grey like mine and Lily's. They brought her to me wrapped in a receiving blanket and I couldn't understand, she couldn't get cold, she couldn't hurt anymore. I pulled it apart and looked at my beautiful baby girl. She looked like her father, the spitting image only softer, gentler features with amazing full lips. She fit so perfectly in my hand, like a little doll and we marvelled at just how tiny this angel was. I wanted to keep her forever, I wanted to hold her forever and I felt like if I just wished and hoped and prayed hard enough that she would take just one breath for me, just one. I begged God for a flicker of hope that she was really in a better place but I couldn't think of anywhere a child should be but in their parent's arms.



I never wanted to let her go but I did. I let the nurse take her and she was blessed, to go in peace and love. I was given a box of cards and pictures, a teddy bear, her hospital outfit and hat, the blanket they wrapped her in -- to go in grief and pain. Everything but my daughter in that box. Not a week before I was pregnant and excited, now I was hollow and devastated. I picked up her ashes the next day and made the five hour drive home with a tea-cup sized urn on my lap.


Four years later and I still remember every emotion, every thought, every twinge and ache. I still see her, I can still feel how tiny she was, picture her fitting almost perfectly in my hand. It's funny how time steals the pain away. It hurts so bad and then one day you realize you didn't cry that day and then you have more days like that, the ones you don't cry but you always think. I always wonder if there were better choices, more options, something else. I know in my heart there really wasn't anything else we could do for her but I want every single day to have her back and part of my little family with Lily, Chloe and Everett.

Please, if you read this, hug your babies and know just how lucky you are to have them. Know just how beautiful every day is with them no matter how much they make you angry. Tell them you love them because it can taken away. That is something I know all too well.


Happy Birthday Hannah, Mommy will ALWAYS love you.....

***For more information on what caused Hannah's stillbirth, please visit: http://hannahslegacy.tripod.com/ and please support IWK Genetic Research.***

Parental Embarrassment & Cabana vs.Canadian Boys

So, my first official post as an actual writer. Interesting to say the least. Miss Lily is in her room watching a movie because I guess a walk for a cup of tea to Tim's is enough Mommy time for her, lol. Little bugger is six and already starting to be embarrassed by mom! I'm going to have to play with this one...hehe. I am going to sit down and make my plans for embarrassing my children. I think, as a parent, we have an innate, devine right to make out kids roll their eyes and groan while exclaiming the longest whiniest "MOOOOooooooooommmmmmm stooooop ittttt". It's our parental privilage and their right of passage. Hey, they have to learn how to embarrass their own kids through us so it's also a learning experience. I just never thought it would start at six!

She's a great kids, I'm one hell of a lucky mom. She's a great kid. I'm also writing early today to avoid doing my dishes. I hate doing dishes, they're horrible contraptions of evil. If I had room, I'd buy a dishwasher OR I would just hire someone to do them for me. Sounds like a good plan to me. Now I just need a really high paying job and I'll be able to hire nanny's and housekeepers and cabana boys.

What does a cabana boy do exactly??

Could you even get one in Canada??

I'm sure I could find one but he'd be outifitted in a Dickies sweater and some wool socks, fancy ass long johns and Northern warmth regalia. Yeah, nevermind, that's a typical Canadian boy. I bet Canadian boys would blow a heating fan on you instead of fanning you with a palm leaf. They would bring you Labatt Blue instead of Corona; Rock Lobsters instead of Marguaritas. You know, picking between a Cabana Boy and a Canadian Boy is a little difficult, seems they both have their perks.

Alright...losing my mind now. Those dishes are calling and since I have company on the way, maybe I should get my house cleaned up.